There are so many bad drivers because there are so many idiots out there.
I know that this sounds really simple and obvious, but when you really think about it, it’ll blow your mind a little. Start with going to the grocery store at around 8:00pm on a weeknight. I guess I don’t really go to the grocery store at that time ever. I usually go on the weekend or after work, sometimes on my lunch break when I feel like a multitasking sorcerer. But at 8pm on a weeknight, there’s a different crowd. They are hungry and there is nothing at their place to eat. They don’t even know what to buy. Just a bunch of single hAngry people who don’t seem to get out a lot; 8pm is their time. At 8pm, I’m the weird one at Ralph’s. People are talking to themselves and they honestly, HONESTLY don’t care who hears it. They are pissed off that they are around other humans. They are contemplating ordering pizza in bulk for a discount, freezing it and not having to go through this whole episode again. And when you’re single and alone, you spend a lot of time at home doing weird things, trust me, because why not get weird? Maybe you want to drink box wine, watch dance moms and finally see what it feels like to sleep naked through the night. That’s the shit you get to do when you’re single and live alone, the weird nightly possibilities are endless and those are the people at the grocery store at 8pm.
So I was picking up some Amy’s Organic Pizza, hell, I was hungry. I have enough money to get organic pizza I guess, but just not enough to have someone deliver a pizza to my doorstep. I’m looking around at these crazy people and it hits me. A lot of these people drove here. That dude over there that’s for some reason angry about at greek yogurt because greek yogurt and Obama are whats wrong with the world. He may have a car. That girl that is so in a daze that she’s about to run right into, luckily YOU’RE paying attention so you don’t get grocery-carted in the shin again. She probably drives. That old lady that is picking up the soup and holding it far from her face, and then close to her face and then far again trying to figure out if it’s Chicken Noodle or Cream of Chicken so she doesn’t make that mistake again, yup, probably drove herself here.
Then I thought holy shit. I can’t get it out of my head. I’m in like Mario Kart Hell on the daily just trying to survive. Like I’m obviously Toad in my Mazda 3 because he’s the best and quickest driver of the game. He’s light and he can zoom zoom; but I’ve got like Bowser in front of me in the fast lane like an idiot and I can’t get around him. I’ve got fuckin Princess over here to my right who isn’t necessarily texting and driving, but she sure seems distracted with her thoughts enough to be rollin her Mercedes C300 and helping herself to 15% of my lane. I’ve got Wario behind me all on my ass like a grumpy mother fucker and I’m like what do you want me to do bro? Bowser won’t move his ass and I’m worried if I try and pass Princess I’ll die. Go around me, save yourself.
It’s a crazy world out there folks and if you’re reading this safely at home with no plans to drive anywhere for the rest of the day. Pop a bottle, drink it all and celebrate. It’s time to throw yourself survival parade girl, and when you get out there again, remember what Yoda taught us, PATIENCE YOU MUST HAVE my young padawan. Touche Yoda, Touche.