SO, Dave and I were rooting around in your apartment (you DID give us a key, so, it's not weird, it's like, whatever. You're making a big deal out of nothing), and it turns out you're living inside of a dealbreaker. Dude, this can't continue. We didn't throw anything out, but we've marked the offending items with red post-it notes. Consider yourself warned.
1. Your Kissing Lesbians Poster
You've been out of college for five years. This might have gotten you through some boner-emergencies in 2003 but it's time to cancel your account with allposters.com and grow the fuck up.
2. Your Bro Fridge.
I can totally understand being 19 and living in your first apartment. Of course you're not accustomed to buying groceries and cooking for yourself. It's totally understandable that the only items in your fridge would be a jar of mayonnaise, some cookie dough, and an extra large Taco Bell cup from 3 days ago. But you're not 19, you're 27 years old and you have your own office. You've had 8 years to learn how to boil water. You lose.
3. Your Naked Lightbulb.
I'm not saying you need to drape a scarf over a lamp or anything (not like it would kill you), but the lighting situation in your bedroom has transformed the mood from sexy to rape dungeon in about 5 seconds. I feel uncomfortable being in here without a safe word. I swear if you murder us in this single apartment, our legion of equally snarky friends will avenge our death.
4. Your Dreamcatcher.
I'll admit that I kind of like the whole "Mcconaughey vibe" you've got going for you (you're lucky "Dazed and Confused" is my favorite movie). But, when you're making out with a girl on your mattress (on the floor), make sure she doesn't look up. Unless, of course, your dream is having your number deleted from her phone. If it is, your dreamcatcher worked.
5. Your Miller Lite Tapestries.
These aren't curtains.