As you may know, Microsoft Internet Explorer, the web browser that dominated the early days of the internet, is to be discontinued. For many of us, this was a formative web browser, one that was our first portal to that thing called the internet that would bring us porn, allow us to chat with our crushes, and would, one day, employ us to make masturbation jokes for its pleasure.
Because we all felt this loss deeply, and because we were all lightly bored on a Thursday afternoon (and is there any feeling more evocative of Internet Explorer than a bunch of lightly bored office workers?), we knew we had to celebrate IE’s passage out of this world.
We decided to make IE a tiny boat and set it on fire.
Here is the tiny boat that we made.
Here is what we put in the tiny boat.
1. CD-ROM of Internet Explorer.
Not a real CD-ROM of IE, that would be crazy. Why would we have that? No, we just took an empty CD case and pasted an IE label on it.
2.Erotica Erotica Erotica Erotica Erotica On-Line JPEG.
This is an actual porn advertisement JPEG from the ’90s internet. Doesn’t this lady arching boobs-first out of a mid-’90s PC take you back? Remember how Internet Explorer’s security was so bad that if you’d had your computer for more than a year, it was at least 70% porny viruses by weight? Memories.
3. Tabbed folder.
For the tabs Explorer did not have for way too long.
4. Crying Livejournal goat.
We don’t think Livejournal and IE were officially affiliated, but they both scream 2003.
5. Effigy of Bill Gates.
Because the captain always goes down with the ship.
Friends, we gather here today to mourn the software Microsoft Internet Explorer, which passed away this week at the decrepit age of 19 ½.
IE made a huge impact on our lives in its time on Earth. Most human beings alive today first experienced the internet via Internet Explorer. Back when it was a strapping young browser, it introduced us to the wonder of Geocities, webrings, personal homepages with multiple animated “Under Construction!!” GIFs, and Encarta.
IE touched many lives, and not just sexually, but mostly sexually. Whether you were five curious middle schoolers pretending to be a single 28-year-old horny person in a chat room, or a sweaty loner attempting to jack off to “nudes” of Jennifer Aniston that were clearly just her head pasted onto a porn star’s body with Elmer’s glue, IE opened you to the wonders of human sexuality.
We pause for a moment of silence to picture that swirling blue lower case “e.”
As many of us do, Explorer struggled in its later years. Much as an elderly relative becomes suddenly mystifyingly racist, so IE became a virus-spewing inferno that could leave your hard drive riddled with weird porn popups.
But IE was a different browser for a different time. It was an era before tabs. If you wanted to visit 18 different websites, you opened 18 different windows, and probably your computer crashed. If you wanted to look at a JPEG, that was fine, but it would take 10 minutes to load. But you liked it. It made you feel strong. The “tab generation” will never have that.
After years of brave but very pathetic measures on the part of Microsoft to keep it alive, IE is finally being allowed to die a dignified death. It is survived by its little brother, Bing, but probably not for long.
Please take a moment to imagine a modem dial-up noise being played on the bagpipes.