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January 28, 2015


“It started out like any other night,” said Jimmy Talbot, 25, recovering in his Somerville, Massachusetts apartment. “I was perusing season four bloopers of 30 Rock when I felt it.” The ‘it’ Talbot refers to was a sharp pain in his lower right abdomen. “I had a friend who had appendicitis so I was familiar with the symptoms.”

Talbot immediately drove himself to the hospital and was admitted with early stages of appendicitis. The doctors scheduled him for surgery that evening. Nothing unusual so far until three hours before surgery when Talbot laid bored and alone in his hospital bed. “There was a small television in the corner and my memory is a little foggy but I think it was— yes, it was an Axe Body Spray commercial with a distinct bikini shot that really struck me.” Talbot began slowly pleasuring himself “as slow and discreet as possible” as there were other patients mere feet away behind curtains. It only took him three minutes to reach “the promise land” as he put it.

That was quite normal for Talbot but it was the moments proceeding that really struck him. “I felt like all the pain had left my body. Like I was rejuvenated. Basically cured. I remember doing a little dance.” Talbot immediately called his best friend Louis and told him the amazing occurrence, “Louis knows a girl who writes for BuzzFeed and relayed the story.”

Only an hour later the article went live on BuzzFeed and within an hour after that, local media had picked up the story. “I was visited by a reported and he just seemed so disappointed.” The reported was disappointed because by the time he had arrived at the hospital Talbot’s pain had returned. The doctors were making their final preparations for surgery for an appendicitis that was anything but cured.

“I’ve since done some research,” said Talbot while currently doing the research, “and apparently appendicitis isn’t something that can be cured. The appendix has to be removed.” Talbot went on to say that his error may have been induced by pain killers but he felt the reporter could have “checked one fact and saved himself the time.”

Still, Talbot holds on to a shred of belief that if not permanently, his appendicitis was temporarily cured from masturbating. “If only I could constantly masturbate I could have saved so much money on hospital bills.”