We’re approaching the midpoint of Game of Thrones‘s 7th season, and it has become abundantly clear that, as Jon Snow suggests to Daenerys, this game is currently being played by children. Almost all of the original players are long gone (all except Cersei, right?), and their heirs are now the ones battling over the Seven Kingdoms. “The Queen’s Justice” not only strengthened alliances and moved even more pieces into position - it also studied the ghosts of parents who still hold power over their children. Spooooooky!
1. DADS: The Mad King & Stark Men of Yore
Before we get too far into the dad stuff, let us take this moment to recognize:
JON SNOW & DAENERYS TARGARYAN HAVE FINALLY MET
…and right off the bat, they’re butting heads. As leaders with different objectives, Jon refuses to bend the knee to Daenerys without some serious consideration. Her psychotic father burned Jon’s grandfather alive a few decades ago, and Jon has no way of knowing that Daenerys won’t do the same to him. On the other hand, Daenerys recalls a certain Torrhen Stark swearing fealty in perpetuity to her ancestor Aegon the Conqueror, and she’s pretty sure “perpetuity” means forever. God, flirting was so different back then. Back when? Exactly.
At least Tyrion is on Jon’s side. Jon and Daenerys have brought entirely too much baggage to their meeting, and the only elegant solution will be to focus on what Jon can reasonably ask of her at this moment. Tyrion convinces Dany to let Jon dig up as much dragonglass as he wants - “give him something by giving him nothing” - with the hope that an alliance will grow. Well mediated, Tyrion. Now what can you do for Davos’s social skills?
2. DAD: Tywin Lannister
While Jon’s busy mining dragonglass at Dragonstone, Tyrion sends Greyworm and the rest of the Unsullied to take Casterly Rock. It’s a well-protected stronghold, but Tyrion designed a secret entrance way back when his father Tywin was rebuilding the place (and didn’t want to handle the sewer system himself). Unfortunately Jaime Lannister knows his brother too well, and he moves his troops to Highgarden just before the Unsullied lay seige on the Lannister home. Classic older brother move. Tywin probably taught him that.
3. MOMS: Ellaria Sand & Cersei Lannister
Euron returns to King’s Landing to present Yara Greyjoy, Ellaria Sand, and her daughter Tyene as hostage-gifts to Cersei, who’s beyond thrilled to torture Ellaria for killing her daughter Myrcella two seasons ago. With Zombie Mountain in the room, it looks like Cersei may be planning another Septa Unella punishment, but instead she takes a more contrapasso approach. Ellaria poisoned Myrcella with a kiss of slow-moving poison, so Cersei…does literally the exact same thing.
And while we’re at it: Cersei’s done with hiding her relationship with Jaime. She lets a servant see him in her bed and then tells the girl to bring fresh sheets. I guess she’s finally put all that incest guilt behind her. Hope it doesn’t come back to bite her in the ass.
4. DAD: Jeor Mormont
Last we saw Samwell Tarly, he was scraping Jorah Mormont’s diseased skin off piece by piece in order to save his life. The result? IT TOTALLY 100% WORKED. Jorah’s now free to rejoin his khaleesi, and Sam is content to have cured the son of his old Lord Commander at the Night’s Watch. As further reward, he’s not expelled from the Citadel and he gets to recopy a hundred old books! Sam acts like this book project is going to be awful, but if I know Sam like I think I know Sam, he’ll find something useful in them there books. He always does!
5. PARENTS: NED & CATELYN STARK
Sansa seems to love her new role as head of Winterfell, and she’s planning for the war to come with the prudence of her father and the dignity of her mother. They’ll need extra grain for the soldiers and leather-lined shields for the colder battles, and Sansa’s on top of it. But when Littlefinger pulls her aside, he suggests that she’s not thinking of every possibility.
Just then her long-lost brother Bran returns to Winterfell, and luckily enough, he knows literally everything that has ever or will ever happen to everyone! So thanks for the advice, Littlefinger, but Bran has it covered. You can go chill out in your room if you want. We’re done here.
6. GRANDMOTHER: Olenna Tyrell
Jaime’s earlier decision to leave Casterly Rock for Highgarden offers several advantages: besides avoiding a conflict with the Unsullied, the Lannisters are able to seize the Tyrell fortune with very little resistance from their inadequate army, thereby repaying their debt to the Iron Bank. Jaime has finally captured Lady Olenna for Cersei, yet he offers her a mercifully painless death instead of the more imaginative horrors Cersei would use if he were to take her back to King’s Landing. Lady Olenna faces the end as bravely as we’d expect, drinking the poison without hesitation, and as she waits for it to work she pricks Jaime with one final thorn: she’s the one who poisoned Joffrey at the Purple Wedding.
Although it stings to lose a beloved character, we’ve finally witnessed the meeting of Ice & Fire (thanks to Melisandre the sex witch) and as a bonus, we also witnessed the naked butt of Jaime Lannister. It’s hard to imagine what will come next, but with any luck, it will include many more naked butts. This has been Tina Belcher’s Butt Report. See you (and your butts) next week!