Barclay Montrose is a classic example of an underachieving overachiever. Or, an under-overachiever. What has he achieved you ask? That's what I'm about to tell you so stop asking questions. Get off my back. Shortly after Barclay's birth, he was wrapped up in a cute little bundle, and left on the doorstep of two monks at the Shaolin Monastery in Dengfeng, China. These two monks, named Raekwon and Ol' Dirty Bastard Montrose, would raise the young round eye to respect the ancient ways of the Shaolin tradition.
Growing up in the Montrose household was like growing up in an episode of "My Two Dads". The aspiring Kung Fu master was surrounded by love and patience. Not to mention, a heavy dose of hi-jinks. Raekwon was the chef of the household and Ol' Dirty was the prankster. He would always be sneaking his angel dust into Raekwon's food. All young Barclay could do was shrug his shoulders and say, "Those are my dads".
On his 13th birthday, it was time for Barclay to become a man. He was sent out in the wilderness by his monastery to prove his worth in the world. Only to return once he has achieved nirvana. Thus began his journey to the west. In 3 months time, he arrived on the shores of Manhattan with his trustful donkey "Pepe". Suffice it to say, a young boy on a donkey in the East Village is, well, not that strange. He followed the familiar sounds of an Er-hu underground. An old man (Picture Al Leong from Die Hard, because that guy is the greatest) played the familiar Chinese two string fiddle while strange people and giant metallic dragons sped by.
The old subway musician could see young Barclay had the ancient crest of the Shaolin monk and took the boy and his donkey home to the wondrous and enchanted land of Chinatown. It is a great honor to let a monk sleep on your pull-out couch. Barclay would teach the man how to meditate and the old man would teach Barclay how to play the Er-hu and guitar.
Barclay lived on the couch until it was to time continue his path to enlightenment. When he went back out into the world he felt utterly alone. What was his meaning? Where did he belong? Why is Matlock on TV? He didn't have these answers. All he had was the guitar the old man gave him. He sat down on a park bench and started to play the guitar. He didn't know what else to do. Then something strange happened. People started to give him money and girls started to look at him. He had no idea, but he was a master ax man. He couldn't understand what it meant to be "good" at the guitar. He just played. And people listened.
As Barclay strummed away on the Tompkins Square park bench, it just so happened that an A&R Man was tying off two benches down. What he heard next was, "The most beautiful thing I've...Oh God...Aaaaaaaahhh...ya...That's...Wait...What did you ask me?" Barclay was signed to a record deal. He didn't know what a "record deal" was, but it didn't seam like much of a deal.
...to be continued next week dickheads