Free shipping on the following tweets when you spend $50 or more.
i'm gonna start acting in real stores the way i do online shopping.— Jo Firestone (@kingfirestorm) July 25, 2017
break in at 1am, put 9 things in a cart, leave
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I'm not clear on the rules— Mave (@MavenofHonor) May 9, 2017
Me: *starts crying thinking about how tiny yet nimble raccoon fingers are*— Not Sara (@smithsara79) July 9, 2017
Husband: *adds "tampons & chocolate" to shopping list*
At the store and your kids won't stop screaming? Give them guitars, people will just think a small, shitty metal band follows you everywhere— Michael, still here (@Home_Halfway) June 27, 2017
There's no way to look cool trying to pull two shopping carts apart.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 15, 2017
The best time of the day to go shopping at Walmart is when you're drunk.— denise (@Stellacopter) May 4, 2017
when a department store clerk asks if I need help finding anything I like to slowly describe a gun.— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) May 21, 2017
hey guys I’m shopping for a handgun but I can’t find my glasses. which one should I get pic.twitter.com/rUUu1Ajpp4— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 29, 2016
ME—I just never thought I'd get this far without finding The One, ya know?— The Pan-Midwesterner (@panmidwest) July 9, 2016
CASHIER—I meant trouble finding anything while you were shopping.
Shopping, I heard a woman say "I'm tired of being young & hot" and I emerged through the rack of long dresses proffering a shiny red apple.— Kristin (@FeralCrone) April 26, 2016
[store]— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) May 31, 2017
clerk: need any help?
me: could you fit several puppies in these cargo shorts?
clerk: um why
me: [leans in way too close] WHY NOT
When shopping for a new home, it's important to ask yourself questions like, "Can I see myself having violent diarrhea here?"— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) May 31, 2016
Like ten years ago I went into a store & just bought a cat. I literally have a receipt somewhere that basically says "1 Cat" on it— vacation horse! (@Karate_Horse) July 15, 2017
Oh, you don't really sweat much when you exercise? After 5 min of grocery shopping I glisten like Guy Fieri at a pig roast.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) July 14, 2017
girl, are you an ikea shopping cart because i have no way of predicting what you're going to do next— ceeks (@70Ceeks) January 16, 2016
When you're grocery shopping, pick up a loaf of bread, stare at it, then turn to another customer and ask, "How do they think of this stuff"— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) March 13, 2017
avoid the holiday shopping crowds by holding your breath for longer than your brain can sustain itself without oxygen— chuuch (@ch000ch) December 2, 2015
I hate shopping at the Depression Store because they never have my sighs.— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) January 21, 2016
I can't really think of anything worse than seeing someone I know in a store.— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) July 13, 2017
I like to look for stuff in a grocery store for so long that by the time I finally ask, it comes out as, “Where THE FUCK are the Triscuits?"— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) July 9, 2017
Don't care how rude it looks, if I'm shopping for wicker baskets and your country has cobras, I'm playing some flute before I look inside it— Ceej (@ceejoyner) November 10, 2015
Imagine having to explain to O.J. that he has to pay for bags at the grocery store now.— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) July 21, 2017