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June 01, 2016

We all know that one person who won't stop inviting our moms to their sex parties!

To: BrentTheMan@gmail.com
From: DirkSmithers@gmail.com

Subject: dude???

Hey Brent—

Not sure if you noticed this, but you CC’d my mom on your sex party email thread again? You crossed a boundary and I’m kind of pissed! We haven’t talked in years and now you pull this type of thing and I remember exactly why you’re not in my life anymore.

She’s really really busy, dude. Last week she had a new scrapbooking project that she barely finished before she adopted that rescue dog. And now she’s gotta train the dog and hand-sew little outfits for the dog shows they’re going to enter. When is she gonna fit you in?

I also feel like the whole BDSM thing you and your partners get down to wouldn’t be her thing. At this point, that’s sort of beginners’ stuff for my mom. She’s graduated from BDSM University and gone on to dirtier pastures. Like, filthy pastures.

Also, she’s just out of your league, dude. You think my 61-year-old mom wants to hang out with a bunch of 20-somethings when she’s at the top of her game? We all saw what your 12th birthday party looked like—if my mom wanted to have sex on a cheap plastic tablecloth, she’d go to Chuck E. Cheese’s. You don’t go from being invited to the Governor’s sex soirée in his private mansion’s lust chamber to some amateur attempt at a collective fuck-fest in an unfinished basement.

I mean, the woman practically brought sex parties to Kansas! Before she started having sex with a small, exclusive group of people from our town whose names I can’t reveal to you (rhymes with Sharon Watson), it was just an LA dream! You basically have her to thank for your lame attempts at sex parties. So next time you think about inviting her, just remember that self-editing is a virtue—if my mom didn’t come to your uncle’s funeral, why would she make the time to come to your sex party? She’s got enough where that came from. You’re just wacky, dude!

Anyways, I hope everything’s good on your end and hey, even if you can’t have the crown jewel that is my mom, have a good sex party! Maybe next time you’ll send me an invite?


Dirk Smithers