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March 29, 2016

From a wedding to getting in trouble for stealing a snake from the zoo, we have you covered for everything life might throw at you.

The big moments of a human life range from inspiring to tragic, and the gravity of these events can take one’s breath away. That’s why we wrote these speech templates. Just plug your own specifics into the scripts below and use them whenever an important life moment has left you speechless.

A Friend’s Wedding

[name of friend getting married] and [person marrying them], all I can say is wow. Watching your love blossom has been amazing. From [how they met] to wherever your new life together takes you, I know that you two will walk that road together in love, and in truth. But just remember [name of your friend’s new life partner] I still get [name of friend] for [fun activity that you two do together with a humorous inflection]. Cheers to new love.

A Pet’s Death

I can’t believe [name of animal] is gone. I’m going to miss coming home to [name of animal] to find [enter gender of pet here] looking up at me with those[number of eyes depending on what type of animal you had]. But I know that[name of animal] is up in heaven right now eating all the [favorite food depending on animal] they want. Rest easy [name of animal].

Lying To Your Spouse About Keeping a Snake You Stole From The Zoo In The House

[name of spouse] I don’t hear any hissing, what do you mean hissing? And no I haven’t seen [name of pet who gotten eaten by snake]. Maybe [gender of pet] ran away and is never ever coming back. I wouldn’t worry too much about it. And I’ve told you a million times [name of spouse], I just took all of those cardboard boxes that said “mice” on the side of them to organize the [thing your spouse has been nagging you to clean up].

Retirement or Leaving a Job

I’m not going to bore you guys with anything sappy. All I’ll say is I’ve enjoyed every minute I worked at [name of company you’re leaving]. You guys were always there for me. You feel like a second family, and I’ll miss you all, even you [if not the owner of the company take a good natured jab at your superior]. But I’m sure you don’t want to hear me talk anymore, you had [amount of time with company rounded up to the nearest year or month] of that. Let’s go out to[work place hang out]. Drinks on me!

Diffusing A Situation With A Hospital Official After You Dropped A Box Of Mice In The ER And They All Scampered In Every Direction

Listen [rank of hospital official followed by last name of hospital official]. I know that you told me [number of times they repeatedly asked you to not bring a box of mice into the hospital with you], but it’s just that I’m bringing the mice to [lie about cheering up a relative in the hospital who loves mice to cover for the fact that you are on your way to bring mice home to feed a snake you stole from the zoo]. I would appreciate if this doesn’t turn into a screaming match in the middle of the ER, and instead you focus on treating my [species of snake] bite.

Defending Yourself When Your Spouse Inevitably Finds Out About The Snake You Stole From The Zoo

Awwwwww come on[name of spouse] can’t we please keep him? Look how cool [he because everyone knows all snakes are men] is. His name is even [name which should be something cool like fang]. Awwwwww come on! You’re no fun! Yes this is why I’ve been spending my time in the basement. Yes technically I’ve been spending more time with the snake than with [your child’s name(s)], but that’s beside the point. [name of spouse] don’t irrational, don’t call the zoo! Alright that it [enter name of spouse here] it’s either you let me keep the snake, or we’re through.

Explaining Your Divorce To Your Children

Hey guys, so listen mommy and daddy are going to be taking a little vacation from one another. It’s nothing you guys did. It’s not like you ratted me about the snake I stole, right? RIGHT?! Sorry for yelling. Stop crying. It’s just that [mommy or daddy, depending on your spouse’s gender] didn’t appreciate that daddy took a magical beast out of captivity so it could live freely in our basement. But don’t worry guys, you’ll still see daddy on the weekends, and if you want my love you’ll catch any mice you run across, put them in your pocket, and give them to daddy to feed the snake.