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Published August 12, 2008 More Info »
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Published August 12, 2008

Liar, Liar

Jim McPartland

www.funnyordie.com/jbmcpart

 

I wasn’t necessarily going to write about Casey Anthony. As I don’t watch sensationalism news- politics and MSNBC are more my bag- I might have missed it. However, Debbie, my female barber, and Chris, my best friend (yea, I have one, albeit surprisingly to some) said- ‘Did you read the story about the missing 2 year old in Florida?’ I said no. Their response was ‘It’s a weird story- you should write about it’.

So after pulling a couple articles from such reliable sources as People Magazine (ha!), here I am.

More importantly, where the fuck is Caylee?

Background-

Casey Anthony is a very attractive 22 yr. old mother from Florida. You know she has some issues because she lives at home with her parents without the father- and with what, until 6/9/08, was her 2 yr old daughter Caylee.

Casey is a free spirit. She tends to come and go. She went somewhere on 6/9- and returned 31 days later-- without Caylee-- weaving stories of kidnapping and her own private detective work.

She was quickly arrested. Sometimes watching multiple CSI episodes and MSNBC Investigates are still not enough to cover your tracks. Even for a psychotic, habitual liar.

We all had friends as kids who’d tell ‘stories’. You know, like ‘My Dad works for the CIA and Mom is infiltrating the Russian Mafia posing as an Exotic Dancer’. I had a couple of them- they were nice kids- but you could tell something wasn’t right ‘round the dinner table- tales o’ the day. A’s when C’s were more realistic.

Casey tends to take it to a new dimension.

Suspect #1 in Casey’s crime scene investigation is a known commodity, Zenaidia Fernandez-Gonzalez. I say known because Casey said she was her babysitter. Authorities can’t substantiate that such a person exists. Her parents didn’t even know her name. I guess at $7 an hour babysitter and a few background checks- like being alive- doesn’t count.

On 7/11/08, Casey’s mother, Cindy, calls police frantically saying ‘There’s something wrong… My daughter’s car smells like there’s a dead body in it’.

At some point, after Casey is arrested for child neglect and giving false statements, Cindy recants her story and claims Casey is ‘A very nurturing and caring (mother)’.

Casey’s a mother, alright. A deranged motherfucker.

Casey said she dropped off Caylee at Gonzalez’ apartment 6/9. An apartment vacant since February.

Casey then said 2 of her co-workers at Universal Studios in Florida knew what was going on. One of them hadn’t worked there in 6 years- there’s no record of the other. Casey said ‘Here, I’ll prove it- let's go see them'. When entering the gates, she admitted she hadn’t worked there for 2 years herself.

Scopolamine, anyone?

Two friends said she wasn’t acting worried and said she was dancing at local clubs, having a grand old time. Casey defends that as part of her undercover work trying to find the nanny she said had taken Caylee to the beach. Yeah, if I was looking for one of my kids who I thought was at a beach in Orlando, I’d stop at a couple hot spots, pull a John Travolta, and flash a non-existent milk carton with my kid and Zenaida that I just made on my computer that asks ‘Have You Seen Us?’

Fuck that, Casey would say ‘Guido with the coke just asked me to dance and bought me a Redbull Chaser. This is gonna take a while’.

The response from the authorities was ‘If the grandmother hadn’t called us, we might still not know Caylee was missing’.

Casey dismisses all this by saying she’d seen movies where ‘missing people get hurt when police get involved’. Too much late night, Cas. Way too much. I couldn’t come up with this much BS, even with CSI!

Some of her friends described Casey as a ‘habitual liar’.

Ya think??

Her older brother, Lee, tried to draw the truth out of her. Without drugs, her response was ‘Please don’t come to my arraignment’.

On a recorded call, Cindy Anthony to Casey said ‘Blame yourself for telling lies’.

This is where it gets funny in a fucked up way—

Cindy, Casey’s Mom, defended her 1st call (the one about smelling dead bodies in the car) as ‘It might have been pizza’.

I have smelled pizza that's been in the car too long.

I also love the smell of napalm in the morning.

But death in a car?

Have you ever smelled death? It sucks.

I remember the 1st time I inhaled it. A motorcyclist got hit by a car in the early 90’s- it was pungent. Not good. Spirit lifting to wherever (I believe heaven- or somewhere- maybe nowhere).

Her parents continue to buy into this nonsense. I know love has no bounds, but Ma nd Pa Anthony- get this- protecting your nutty daughter who has murdered your grandchild doe will not get you on the cover of Parenting..

Police believe not only was there a body in the car, but poor Caylee had been buried in the back of the Anthony’s yard. Then moved.

She'll blame it on her Dominos Pizza delivery driver.

I hope to God this poor kid will be found alive. I know she won’t.

And her parents now defend her?

They saw the lies at 5. More at 7. Network news in an endless loop.

Get a grip, Anthonys.

Stop defending the indefensible.

You could have stopped this mess. And save our court system a shitload of money. But then TruTV would have to report something else, right?

Burying your head in the sand doesn’t help.

It just digs up your backyard.





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