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May 18, 2009


For some reason, I spend a lot of my time thinking about candy. Actually, I know exactly what the reason is: Candy's the best thing ever and I've got time.

Anyway, last night was dedicated to pondering my love/hate relationship with the Snickers bar. How could I hate something that brings me so much joy? Why do Snickers cause me such strife?

After an anxiety attack thinking about this conflict, I realized that I must purge the following forms of Snickers bars from my diet:  The ice cream Snickers and the classic, full sized Snickers. Yeah, I said it. I'm a purist when it comes to candy, but that monster of a candy bar must go.

That full size bar is a beast. It's no candy bar; it's a meal for an entire family. How it costs less than a dollar is beyond me. If I had kids and I had seven dollars, I'd be ordering in all week. "It's Snickers night! Who wants to carve the Snickers?"

Here are some facts about the full size Snickers:
-It weighs 10 pounds.
-It doubles as a hammer.
-In 1977, Reggie Jackson hit 3 home runs in one game while using a Snickers bar as a bat.
-Last year, Habitat For Humanity used one Snickers bar to build 18 houses.

As for that ice cream Snickers, it's just disgusting. I don't think I've ever thought, "You know what goes good with ice cream? Salted peanuts." But what bothers me the most about the ice cream Snickers is that it's often confused with the frozen Snickers, which is one of the true wonders of the world.

Sure, I'll be ridding my life of full size. At least in its natural state and temperature. I cannot explain it, but when that Snickers is frozen, its DNA changes. It becomes an entirely different candy bar. It's even refreshing. I'd say it's the most refreshing candy bar this side of the peppermint pattie (the candy, not the aspiring lesbian).

This altering of the Snickers' state is part of why I'm fascinated with the frozen variety. It also explains why I love the bite size ones. Again, we've got the same ingredients as its larger, uglier counterpart, but while it takes me a week to eat the original, I can down 10 -15 of the little guys at a time. That's the equivalent of 3 normal bars. Knowing that I'm capable of sticking it to the big guys makes me feel like a big man.

And while I'd love to keep it unexplained, to keep my feat untainted, upon further investigation, I realized something: The bite size ones are lighter. They're not packed nearly as tight.  This makes me think they're like diet Snickers. All the more reason to eat it, I guess. I'm actually doing my body a favor by downing these by the handful.

Wow, it feels good to get all this out. I'd been burdened with this for years. Tonight, instead of thinking about candy. I'm taking action. I'm gonna go down to the nearest 7-Eleven, grab some Snickers and put them in their frozen section. When the cashier asks me what I'm doing, I'll pelt him with one, and he'll feel the pain. And he'll know why I'm doing what needs to be done.