or
    There's a rumor floating around here. It smells of stinky, sexy deceit and erotic awesomeness. Could it be true? Did it really happen? Well, my sources tell me that it is all true. All the sweaty, gooey nastiness has been verified. Of course by sources, I mean, my own conclusions. Conclusions drawn from reading internet celebrity gossip, written by hopelessly sad shut ins without pants. Though, it goes without saying, that everything you read on the internet is true. It's a given. That and my immense and powerful penis are both givens. So, solemnly, It is my sworn duty to inform you that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are getting divorced. Due in part to him tripping, flying through the air and inserting his hard-on into a non famous Sara Leal. Not only that, but, the deed was done on the same date as Ashton's wedding anniversary. Ouch. It's a sad day in the annals of celebrity...ism. We will weep, we will be saddened, our very souls torn asunder in anguish over this devastating revelation...for about 5 minutes. 



Just let the hurt out and let the healing begin.

    Is there one among us, we poor down trodden masses, that didn't see this coming? They're 15 years apart, age wise. Convert that to Hollywood years and Ashton is boning his grandmother or at the very least someone his mother snorted blow with. I'm surprised it dragged on this long. Celebrity couples of regular age differences have drudged on and died in less time. What's wrong with these folks? Don't they understand the rules when it comes to relationships and marriages with other celebrities? Are they retarded? Fuck. Maybe they need to be reminded...



If You're Famous Bone Someone In Your Own Age Bracket



Not pictured: Dignity

    Yeah, sure, some people are still harbor that delusion that "age is just a number". Right, and the internet is used for something other than whackin' off. Grow up. The only people that say age doesn't matter are either trying to live out a "bone the babysitter" fantasy, guilt free or need therapy to work out why they have a fondness for overly wrinkled genitalia. Get with someone your own fucking age already. It's not hard, unless you're exceptionally ugly or smell like a corpse wrapped in shit. It's even EASIER, if you're famous. Everyone wants to fuck a celebrity. Toss a stick and you'll probably hit someone who wants to tap your famous, famous ass. Check them out and if they're within 5 years of your age, fuck away! However, if they were able to call a radio station unsupervised and request a, now, classic rock song, on the day your mother shat you out, back the fuck away. Get it? Big age gaps rarely work. Especially when the people involved are both movie stars. Can you imagine the awkwardness of knowing the bulk of your spouse's movie career is still on the new rack while the your's is in a bin marked "Best of The 80's! for 99¢". Somewhere out there, there must be a river of resentment tears, comparable to the slime river the Ghost Busters found, that rises...ever so slightly...when this happens.



Like this, but, roiling with self doubt.



If You're Famous, Don't Get "Involved" with Famous People

    I can see why a celeb would think getting with a fellow fame carrier would be a good idea. Who else would know your pain better, than a person who's ass is plastered all over celeb-porn web sites too? Well, as the ominous voiced Clive Owen once said, "There in lies the rub". Sure, that hot ass celebrity, chick or guy, knows the difficulties of the celebrity game, but, they're also party to it's problems as well. There's the hectic work scheduling, constant inundation of pussy/dick offers from groupies and hangers on, awards shows, career boosting parties that must be attended, S&M gang bang swingers clubs, etc. Now, take all that time consuming bullshit and butt it up next to someone else's equally fucked up schedule. What you'll find is that the time left for a relationships or marriages is pared down to hand jobs and fingering in the backs of limos, in-between press junc. That's not a fucking relationship, that's barely fucking yourself.



Quick! Make with the sexy, motherfucker!





If You're Famous, Everyone Tells You How It Is

    People don't know shit. Seriously, if you bottled lion testicle sweat and sold it for $1,000 and said it was guaranteed to fill you with the drippy essence of lion scrotum. Someone would buy that shit...and drink it. Being that as it may, stupid people, tend to have dumb ass opinions too. More so when it comes to someone else's life. Especially celebrity lives. When it comes to spouting off about their fat neighbor mowing their lawn while wearing a "Git-R-Done" half-top, cut off above their gut and ill fitting spandex without underwear, they usually won't say much. They "know" those people. Though, nothing stops them from screaming obscenities when their double latte cup of bullshit is labeled wrong. Why? They don't KNOW the people they're yelling at. Somewhere in that divide, of who people will and won't tell off, celebrities exist. Apply that to newspapers, fanaticism, politics, religious views, moral stances and a whole host of nonsensical bullshit and you have an ass load of people, ready and willing, to tell you all about how your life should be. When you finally snap, punch a prick and take a dump on his face, you're an asshole. You can't win! Now, double that because you were stupid enough to slap nasties with a fellow celebrity. 





Uh...huge fan. Love your work.
You guys look borderline homeless, with a touch of asshole.
Just saying.



If You're Famous, You Can't Cheat



...and he would have gotten away with it too,
if it hadn't been for the 4 thousand,
meddling paparazzi cameras.

    When fame has got you by the testes...or titties...depending on what crotch you have, there's very little you can get away with. Couple that with being in a celebrity relationship/ marriage and you're severely under big brother's magnifying glass-o-catch you with your balls hanging out. Having the watchful eyes of the world on you, can take their toll, I'm sure. You have to remember a few things however: One, when your money depends on how the public perceives you, you really don't want to be labeled a cock hole. Ask Mel "Strike-a-bitch" Gibson. Yeah, see if he ever lives that down. Two, being celebrity (insert dick in anything that moves) single is a lot different than being celebrity married. The biggest difference, as far as the public is concerned, is the insertion of penises into other people. Folks tend to frown on that. Three, people take pictures of every mother fucking thing these days. Celebrities even more so. So, unless you have a fetish for multi-million dollar divorces, keep your dick in your wife, in your hand or in your pants. It's cheaper that way. Unless, Ashton Kutcher's latest charity is the "Put Divorce Lawyers Back To Work" fund.

 

God bless you and your penis, Mr. Kutcher. 


Elton writes more stuff here, READ IT!  Elton Says Things!

He tweets stuff here, read or YELL AT HIM!...Follow me to the not so promised land!
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