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June 10, 2015

Eric Kramer would like to personally thank you all so much for coming out to support him on his journey to becoming a man in the eyes of God.

I’d like to start out by saying thank you to all my friends and family for making the tripout to Temple Beth-Miriam on this very special occasion. It is such a lovely spring day outside and I can’t think of a better way to celebrate my entrance into Jewish adulthood rather than standing at podium and watching one of you walk out to take a five-minute break in the temple lobby every so often.

I’d also like to thank all of my friends from Camp Quinnapoca for coming out to support me on my special day! Remember, the rope burns at both ends! That’s a little inside joke we all have. Zack, I see you! You get it.

I have worked tirelessly over the past few days to cram as many Hebrew words as I can into my brain that I should’ve been studying but decided to conveniently go to my neighbor Aidan’s house to play on his trampoline whenever my mom had lightly suggested that I sit down for a half an hour and really absorb the text of the Torah.

Thanks to my Hebrew tutor Loni, I have decided to talk to you all about God’s work in our community. Loni and I have worked tirelessly over the past year and a half to create a lukewarm idea of what I should say to you all on this special day.

So if God is really working in our community right before our very eyes, why aren’t the Orioles winning any matches? Am I right? No, seriously––am I right? I prefermaking fake commercials in my backyard but my dad wants to bond with me.

Something that is very important in our community is to look after it and keep it clean. This is why for my Mitzvah project I have decided to start planting fruits and vegetables on a small patch of land behind the Bethesda JCC because God likes for things to grow and don’t we all grow through life? I guess that’s what he meant by “be fruitful and multiply”. Thank you for the laugh, Uncle Hal. I worked really hard on that one.

Another thing that God wants us to implement (Side note: I learned the meaning of this word from Loni. I thought it was a fancy way of saying ‘polenta’ but the word ‘polenta’ is pretty fancy on it’s own so such is life) in our community is a sense of togetherness. This is why I will now sit on my brother Jason’s head whenever he dares to try and change the channel when I’m watching Austin & Ally.

However, I do sometimes question God’s motives. I also question if God, or rather, if this “big man in the sky” is even real. I understand why that may be very shocking to you, Aunt Tracy, since I am such a pious boy and always volunteer to help you arrange the dessert in the kitchen when we have our annual Passover Seder.I only do it to miss as much of the Seder as I can because I find it to be really boring.

Sometimes I think God is a real trickster. If he is really working every day in our community, why doesn’t he work in my favor and get Grace Heidman to notice me in math class when I try to talk about good music with her? And I’m not talking about any of this newfangled pop crap. I mean real music, like Foreigner or The Rolling Stones.

But God is indeed working in our community after all; I know this because Loni told me. That is why I have chosen to write my Torah Portion (or rather, my D’var Torah for the Glickmans, the more religious side of the family that make holidays really un-enjoyable for me) on why God works his hands through the blades of grass that are our community. Nowif you will all please rise and join me for the last prayer that I forget the name of before we go to the just okay Kiddush where my Camp Quinnapoca friends will all group together at one table and I will have to try and awkwardly have my school friends talk to them even though they just won’t get each other.

Thank you all for joining me on my very special day! Mazel-tov to me, I never have to go to Hebrew School again!