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June 12, 2017

This minister sells fidget spinners to protect his flock from the evils of masturbation.


Idle hands are tools of the Devil is a saying that Reverend Andrew Canard of the First Avenue Baptist Church is taking seriously. This man of God is fighting masturbation with the newest fad – fidget spinners.

Fidget spinners are toys first developed in the 1990s. Their popularity exploded earlier this year. One holds the center of the toy with their fingers and then spin the blades. Using the device supposedly reduces stress.

Reverend Canard believes fidget spinners can reduce sin:

“Jesus said that if you look at a woman with lust, then you are committing a sin. You can’t think about sex when you’re playing with one of my $29.99 Holy Spinners. I tested the product myself. After watching hours of gay porn I didn’t think of delicious penises once.”

Members of his church are buying the spinners hoping their purchases are bringing them one step closer to God. Many parents are buying several for their sons who are attending the local middle school. Many see the spinners as an insurance policy on their kids’ immortal souls.

“Bill is thirteen-years-old. I remember being that age,” stated local dad Brian Hall. “If I had died from some bizarre accident I would’ve been sent to hell because of my love of self-love.”

People aren’t just buying the toys to repress adolescent urges. Many married couples are using them to combat sexual incompatibility.

Donald and Kathy Brayton explained. “We both hate each other,” explained Donald. “We’ve been married for twenty years. In that time we have bought a house, raised three kids, and created a mountain of disdain for each other. ” Kathy simply sat there simmering in rage with a fidget spinner in both hands twirling about madly.

Critics of Reverend Canard state the members of his church can buy everyday fidget spinners for less than the $29.99 he is charging. It’s hard not to consider this product is a scam similar to his Jesus’ Cleansing Blood Multipurpose Cleaner. It was selling like hotcakes until some believers tried to drink it.

So far Reverend Canard’s Holy Spinners are all the rage. He plans to convince Republican officials to incorporate them in abstinence-only sex education programs.

He took a minute to muse about the skyrocketing sales. “This isn’t about me. This isn’t about my mansion. This is about Jesus.”