Last night I got robbed. I was walking to my car, keys in hand, to get something out of the trunk. A man with a gun approached me and pointed the gun at my face. He was standing about seven yards away.
"Give me the keys"
"Give me the fuckin keys"
I froze, didn't know what to do at first, but I handed him the keys.
"Okay, please, just don't put any holes in me. Here are the keys. Nice and slow."
"Get the fuck on the ground."
"Before you do that, I want ot let you know, that the car doesn't work."
"Bullshit. Why not?"
"I don't know. I can't really tell by the noise it's making."
"What does it sound like?"
"There's like a screechy whiney noise when you try to start it."
"Screechy whiney? Like a timing belt?"
"Nah, can't be that."
"Well what the fuck is it?!
"I don't know. It starts but it doesn't stay running, you have to keep giving it gas while it's in neutral otherwise it'll shut off. And there's smoke coming from the muffler. Can I stand up now? The ground is dirty."
"Yeah, get your ass up and help me start this car."
"Okay. Now just start it and make sure to keep giving it gas."
"You didn't give it gas fast enough dude, you gotta pump the pedal hard."
"Fuck you, this piece of shit better start or you're a fucking dead man."
"What the hell dude, what did I do? I'm trying to help you out. I can give you money but I can't give you this car, it's not my fault it doesn't work, don't kill me man, I'm on your side."
"Shut the fuck up. Pop the hood. Let's take a look at this thing."
Both of us looking under hood.
"Hey dumbass, look, look right there, you fucking moron. There's a hole in the radiator."
"Autozone is closed motherfucker, you better give me some money or I'm popping your ass."
"Alright fine, here's some money. I have sixty dollars, that should be enough to get an estimate."
"Here, I'll even let you sign the title over. Get it in your name. Now it's your problem."
"Okay, so we're good, you're not going to shoot me?"
"No motherfucker, we're not good, I still don't have a fucking car."
"Well why don't you rob somebody who has something of value, asshole."
"Call me an asshole one more time!"
"But seriously dude, stop robbing people who are on the same team as you, I'm out here trying to work and make money just like you are, my car doesn't even work, go to some rich folks neighborhood and jack their shit. Why are you wasting your time trying to steal this piece of shit car when you can go get an escalade?"
"The neighborhood is too far away, I can't just walk there. I need a car."
"Makes sense. Anyways, you can take your mask off now, I'm not going to tell anyone, I just want to go inside, have a cup of coffee and a cigarette and enjoy the rest of my night."
"Alright, I guess I'll let your ass off for now. But if I find out anyone else knows about this I'm coming for your ass."
"Cool, sounds good. Good luck to you, and stop trying to break in and steal piece of shit cars, take a walk over to the rich people neighborhood and get you something nice. Fuck em."
"Alright man, take care."
"Yep, you too. God bless, happy new year."
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