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April 19, 2009

I believe in ghosts. First of all, I was raised Catholic, so right there you have me believing in invisible people. In addition, I also grew up watching paranormal shows like  "In Search Of", "Sightings" and "Unsolved Mysteries", so I've seen televised, first hand accounts of real people who have experienced freaky shit. On top of that, one time in college an apple seed was placed on my ankle by an unknown being in the middle of the night. Amazing? Yes it is. But I'm not here to tell you about that story. This story involves what I believe to be a ghost that appeared in my bedroom late last week.

The other night, after I got into bed and shut the lights off, I felt a presence in my room. Like someone or something was watching me. For a moment I couldn't even move. I was frozen with fear. People who experience night terrors know this sensation. They are caught somewhere between sleep and consciousness, so paralyzed with the fear of a nightmare that they are unable to lift so much as a finger. But this was no dream. This was real and it was really happening to me. I didn't know if this being wanted to harm me, but after a few moments I came to the realization that if I was going to die that night, it wasn't going to be because I didn't fight back. I made my piece with god and did the only natural thing I could do to protect myself: I started masturbating.

I mean, look at my picture. Who would want to stand around and watch as that fat asshole in the blue speedo masturbated? Seriously. I don't even like being there when I masturbate for my own pleasure. And I don't think any ghosts would wanna stick around to see that go down either. And I kid you not -- by the time I rubbed one out, the room felt empty again. Quiet. Peaceful. Whatever feeling of eeriness I felt before was now gone and I was able to go back to sleep.

Masturbating also works well with warding off annoying family members. It works horribly on child molesters, peeping Toms and priests -- like I said, I was raised Catholic.  However, I'm not quite sure if masturbating helps against UFO abductions. For that I recommend a new prescription medication called Alienex. Please check out their commercial: