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October 21, 2013

Ever wonder how Breaking Bad would have been different if Walter White knew nothing about chemistry?


Teaming up with a former student with a knack for identifying the gender of Canis lupus familiaris, Walter White applies his years of ecological biology and botany to grow marijuana. And tomatoes. And green beans and apples. Actually they start a lovely garden and begin selling the literal fruit of their labor for fairly reasonable prices at the local farmer’s market. They become the talk of the town for their completely organic product and do quite well to sustain a living even though it seems no one is buying the weed. Biology is the study of living things and it seems Walt is living just fine.




They say “those that can’t do, teach. And those that can’t teach, teach gym.” They also say those that get cancer, start fixing high school football games. Taking on the new identity Heismanburg, Coach White doesn’t mess around. But will his brother-in-law coaching over at Jefferson High ever catch on to the illegal Nazi football superstars being added to Walt’s team? When he says, “Run,” you better run and catch that ball or you could be out of the game in more ways than one. GO BLUE DEVILS!




When IRS agent Hank Schrader starts noticing multiple tax forms altered with a blue pen, he realizes that something doesn’t quite “add” up. Using his knowledge and mathematical skill set, Walter White begins exploiting the tax system through a series of loopholes and profiting subsequently. Quickly Walt rises up in the economic world and IT’S ALL LEGAL! Seriously, people are getting away with this! Oh right, ahem… Agent Schrader will quickly find out that this time, there isn’t safety in numbers.




Realizing that he only has months to live, Walter White decides to take his special set of English knowhow to ummm hmmm I mean you can’t really do anything else as an English teacher huh? He would know that it definitely wasn’t Walt Whitman that wrote that quote. I guess he could become a renegade journalist? Kind of like Julian Assange? Remember him? But he didn’t make any money from all of that so I guess he just kinda dies and leaves his family with nothing? Walter White is pretty much as dead as journalism.




Walter White is pushed to extremes and gladly accepts the charitable donation of Elliot & Gretchen Schwartz and everyone carries out living a happy, normal life because seriously substitute teachers will do anything for money.