In an epically surprising statement yesterday afternoon, an agreement between America’s Republican National Committee, the state republican committees of all 50 US states and 22 current and potential republican presidential candidates was reached in which the party would nominate for President whoever could pull a large broadsword from a stone in which it has for some reason been lodged.
The sword and stone in question are located in Pendragon Square, a small wooded park in the Washington, DC suburb of Gaithersburg, MD where it has stood for more than sixty years. During this time, literally thousands of visitors have attempted to pull the sword from the stone, but none have been successful thus far. The candidates have agreed to meet in the park on a currently undecided day in early 2012 at which time each will be allotted time to attempt and remove the sword.
Since it is too close to the 2012 election to change party primary laws in all 50 states, each presidential wannabe has agreed to withdraw from the race if he cannot remove the sword from the stone and endorse the candidate who can. In the case of more than one candidate being able to do so, a jousting contest will decide who will be the republican nominee. If no candidate can remove the sword primary process will go on as normal, but if the winner is successful he will hold the title "protector" rather than "president."
The decision to forgo a standard primary voting system in favor of what appears to be a ritual with roots in Anglo-Saxon mythology is an idea first proposed by Paleo-conservative Ralph Peabody of the Hermitage Foundation. In a 2009 article in Crypto-Fascist Prick Monthly, Peabody argues that the divine right of kings is closer to the American political tradition than any form of democracy. Peabody’s article suggests that Presidents such as George Washington, Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush did not actually need the formality of an election to take power and that surely the Judeo-Christian god would “bless his choice for the U.S. Presidency – almost assuredly a Republican – with the ability to remove the unmovable sword from the stone in Pendragon Square.”
Despite the fact that many of them have already begun traditional campaign work in preparation for the primaries, virtually every known republican presidential hopeful has endorsed the idea. Michelle Bachman was an early proponent of the measure, and argued in an interview last week that “The news media should do a better job of finding out who in American politics is pro-sword and who is anti-sword.” She expressed concern that President Obama is “Anti-sword.”
Former Massachusetts governor and weird-assed-religion believer Mitt Romney said in an APP interview this morning that he had included comments favoring a “pulling-a-sword-from-a-stone” system in his book No Apologies: A Case For American Greatness, but that it was removed at the insistence of his publisher. Romney apologized for this.
Beauty Contest promoter/reality TV joke/conspiracy buff/combover victim Donald Trump also claims to have been an early proponent of this system, and says that right now he has a team working on the different ways in which a sword can be removed from a stone. He also says that he believes that President Obama should take the “sword test,” adding, “A lot of people have serious doubts as to whether or not the President is actually capable of removing the sword from the stone and rightfully executing his duties as President.”
"I am Arthur, king of the pachyderms."
A number of liberal and centrist bloggers, columnists and pundits have been skeptical of the republicans’ bold new move, calling the new system “reactionary,” “medieval,” “silly” and “dumber than fresh-roasted pig shit.” The Congressional Black Caucus issued a statement saying that this move is the republicans’ “whitest act yet.”
Although the official position of the RNC is that the sword and stone were put in the park by "unknown holy forces," Maryland Department of Parks And Recreation spokesman Willard Del Lord said this morning that it was a leftover prop for an unproduced Errol Flynn movie that was to be filmed in the area in the late 40s.