President Obama's approval ratings are showing more staying power than a bottle of Viagra. Still, it couldn't hurt for our President to add an extra somethin'-somethin' to the State of the Union address tonight. Here are five ideas that he should totally steal.
1. Instead of beginning, "Mister Speaker, Vice President Biden, Members of Congress..." start off with:
"Let me first say congrats to Speaker Boehner and present this gilded box of tissues in case my speech moves you to tears."
2. Instead of the ol' "the state of our union is strong" try honesty:
"Our union at the moment is looking kind of like a crappy used car that we don't have the parts to fix because we don't make anything in America any more."
3. Rather than blandly acknowledging that some Members of Congress are symbolically crossing the aisle to sit next to each other, raise the bar even higher:
"We need to do more than sit with our enemies. As Jesus said, love thy enemy. Jim DeMint and Chuck Schumer, let's see a kiss!"
4. Really go out on a limb and instead of blathering on that what's good for the private sector is good for America, give us a big dose of harsh reality:
"Big business has fucked us all. Hard. It's time for me and Congress to stop acting like manwhores perversely begging for more."
5. When in doubt, there's nothing like a good joke.
"Did you hear the one about the Republicans who took over Congress with a pledge to roll back every good piece of legislation from the last 50 years and create a better quality of life for unborn fetuses than living, breathing working families?...."