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September 13, 2017
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Well at least, here's how I did it.

Oh, hello rabbit! Deer, skunk, I didn’t see you there. Wow, birdies too?! Oh my, the gang’s all here, huh? Oh, please don’t. No need to start washing those dishes… I… guess now is as good as time as any…

Friends, you know how much I care about you all.You’ve gotten me through some pretty tough times – cleaning up after my seven male friends, keeping this place close to spotless before an undercover witch drops by, I’m stalling… what I’m trying to say is… I’ve decided to hire a real cleaning service. Handy.com to be exact.

Now listen, I know this must seem like a surprise for many of you and I don’t mean to pull the wool over your eyes. I think we can all agree there’s never a good time… but you must have noticed the differences over the last couple of weeks, haven’t you?

No more lick stains on the plates because they are being scrubbed with actual dish soap and a real sponge? No more allergy attacks because there isn’t dust lingering underneath the rugs? Clothes actually hanging on hangers, instead of Mr. Deer walking around with them draped over his antlers all day?

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Don’t look so sad, Doe…but you’ve been replaced.

Let me be clear - it’s not that I don’t appreciate you all…but handy.com was offering 50% off your first service and the convenience alone was worth the cash. Yes, you are free. I hear you and I understand you must think I’m crazy for wanting to spend anything for what I’m currently getting for nothing but … Edna has a 4.9 rating out of 106 cleaning jobs on handy.com. Do you know how hard that it to get?!

Edna comes in, puts on her yellow gloves, I leave for a couple hours, come back, and it’s done. That’s it. That’s all it needs to be. Edna gets paid and I get a clean house.

Don’t get me wrong, you all have the best attitudes, but like, not EVERY spring cleaning needs to be a whole to do, you know? For crying out loud, there’s music, there’s dancing… I’m at this point expected to sing a fun working song or it makes you feel like I’m upset with everyone when really…sometimes I just don’t want to sing! Honestly, how many more songs can I think of that involve being musical WHILE getting work done, hmm!? We’ve whistled while we worked, tap danced while we tidied, even beatboxed while we buffed and you know what…I’m tired. Edna, on the other hand, puts in her earphones and I have no idea what she’s listening to. That’s the best part. I don’t need to know! I hope I never find out. She does her and I do me and at the end of the day, I have a clean house and Edna gets paid.

For lack of a better phrase, it’s not you, it’s me. Call me selfish, but this is what I need. I wish nothing but the best for you all. Seriously, I mean that. When we see each other in the forest, it doesn’t have to be awkward…but I also understand that feelings may be sensitive for awhile so I will not push.

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The last straw was when you cut a hole in my Great-Grandmother’s doily to water the flowers.

And without making this even more uncomfortable than it already is…Edna will be here any minute. I know that seems like I’m really twisting the knife, but it also proves my point - I know exactly when Edna will be coming because I’ve specifically chosen a time frame through handy.com. You all just… show up. Not only is that not cool, it’s rude. I said it. I didn’t want to, but my therapist said I should be more direct, so, there it is.

Anyway, you look great ducky. Mouse, Whole30 is working for you. But to all of you, and I really mean this… please never come in my house again. You bring tracks of dirt in and Edna says your hooves have done irreparable damage to the original hardwood flooring.

Oh - and before you go, I don’t want to leave you with nothing so here is a discount code for handy.com. Give ‘em a shot, maybe you’ll see what I’m talking about…plus it gives me 25% off my next cleaning if I refer a friend…furry or otherwise. And worry not, the 25% off doesn’t affect Edna’s rate. Edna always get paid.

Good-bye!

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