Tonight is the first Republican debate for the 2016 presidential election. The top 10 polling of 17 candidates will debate in Cleveland tonight, broadcast live on Fox News at 8:50 p.m. EST.
The FOD News team was going to live blog the GOP debate as it happened, but we’ve got some other shit going on tonight, so we live blogged it ahead of time.
8:49 p.m. - The candidates take the stage. Mick Huckabee lets out an audible sigh when he sees that women have been invited to be in the audience.
8:50 p.m. - The debate officially begins!
8:51 p.m. - Donald Trump declares he has won the debate.
8:55 p.m. - Even though moderators Bret Baier, Megyn Kelly and Chris Wallace haven’t finished introductions somehow Scott Walker has already managed to say “stupid ass unions” 13 times.
8:57 p.m. - Fox President Roger Aisles wanders onto stage, gives Jeb Bush a hug, and says, “George! Great to see you, old friend!” and it gets real awkward and everybody is like ooooooohhhh!
8:59 p.m.- Apropos of nothing, Chris Christie blurts out, “Yes! I’m fat, okay? You’re all thinking it, so let’s just get it out in the open! But I’m still a human being with feelings!”
9:00 p.m. - Even though he didn’t make the cut off to be at the main debate, Bobby Jindal has just Skyped into the debate, and appears to be sitting on the toilet in his home.
9:01 p.m. - John Kasich appears to have just realized that the moderators forgot to say his name during the introductions, and although he opened his mouth to say something, he has remained quiet and now appears to be secretly relieved.
9:03 p.m. - Ted Cruz interrupts Ben Carson answering a question about gun control in order to say, “Y'all see that machine gun bacon video I made?” followed by three minutes of suggestive eyebrow raising.
9:07 p.m. - It’s hard to hear the debate over the deafening sound of those inflatable thunder sticks. We wish Mick Huckabee would just put them down already!!
9:10 p.m. - Donald Trump answers a question about the Affordable Care Act by calling each of his opponents’ wife a pig one at a time. The audience applauds, apparently impressed he took the time to memorize all of their names.
9:13 p.m. - Jeb Bush announces that he has legally changed his name to match his campaign slogan “Jeb!”, dropping the Bush entirely to further distance himself from his family.
9:14 p.m. - Rick Perry, who did not make the cut to be at the big kid’s table, has stormed the stage! He’s punching everyone and shouting “Oops! Did I do that?” while doing a deranged Urkel voice.
9:17 p.m. - Rick Perry is subdued by moderator Megyn Kelly.
9:21 p.m. - Marco Rubio seems to be beginning to regret the big Panama hat with a feather in it he wore to stand out from the crowd.
9:23 p.m. - Moderator Bret Baier announces that, as per the rules set out by Fox News, it is now permissible for crowd members and other candidates to spit on Mike Huckabee.
9:25 p.m. - Jeb Bush’s dick falls out “accidentally.” Lenny Kravitz smiles and gives Jeb a knowing nod from the back of the Quicken Loans Arena, before walking through an exit door out into the misty Cleveland night.
9:27 p.m. - The hot lights have been melting Donald Trump by a rate of two inches per every 10 minutes.
9:30 p.m. - Tension is at a high for this evening. It looks like everybody’s about to kiss??
9:31 p.m. - They DO all kiss! #LoveWins
9:35 p.m. - Ted Cruz interrupts Marco Rubio answering a question about the Iran Nuclear Deal in order to say, “Y'all see that video I made doing Simpson’s impressions?” followed by three minutes of suggestive eyebrow raising.
9:37 p.m. - Mick Huckabee uses one of his time-outs to use the restroom. When he returns, Trump smells his hands and declares, “This guy’s hands smell like pee pee! He peed on his hands and didn’t wash them! What a loser!”
9:40 p.m. - Everyone takes a breather while the zamboni re-ices the stage.
9:42 p.m. - Scott Walker responds to an audience question from a woman about Planned Parenthood by calling her a “slut.” The other candidates join in and make fun of the woman’s appearance. They all high five each other and have a good laugh about how funny it is that women vote for them.
9:50 p.m. - One hour in and John Kasich still hasn’t spoken. He is smiling and just seems thrilled to be invited to be up their with the big kids.
10:15 p.m. - For the talent portion of the evening, Ben Carson performs surgery on the Constitution.
10:20 p.m. - Chris Christie responds to a question about campaign finance reform by bullying a young child seated in the front row out of his lunch money.
10:35 p.m. - Rand Paul brings up how as a Libertarian he doesn’t think the government should tell people they’re not allowed to torrent movies, and in fact earlier that day he torrented Inherent Vice, and would maybe now be a good time for everybody to watch it with him?
10:42 p.m. - John Kasich still has not spoken, but he is just excited that he got to stay up this late past his bedtime.
10:55 p.m. - The pile of goo that melted Donald Trump into declares that it is the winner of the debate.
11:00 p.m. - The debate is over! Jeb Bush’s mom Barb brings out orange slices and Gatorade for all the candidates. When Jeb tells Scott he doesn’t get any, Barb scolds Jeb for not being more sportsmanlike. Jeb apologizes to Scott and invites him over to play X-Box sometime.
11:02 p.m. - Somebody wakes up moderator Chris Wallace, who fell asleep about an hour ago. “Well, that was a fuckin’ waste of everybody’s time” he grumbles to himself as he picks up his things and leaves.
11:39 p.m. - The arena has emptied out and only John Kasich remains standing at his podium. As the last light is turned off, Kasich calls out into the darkness, “Who am I?”