Celebrities See All

Close

Quick Links

or

For most of us, life is short and hard, much like an incestuous Ecuadorian Dwarf’s erect penis as he prepares to mount his own sister. This unusually crude analogy is also an ideal segue into the following article.

A tribe of Ecuadorian Dwarfs, from here onwards referred to as “Ecuadwarfs”, may hold the key to a cure for Cancer and Diabetes. The Laron tribe of Ecuadwarfs have a genetic mutation that ultimately stops the production of a hormone called Insulin-like Growth factor, or IGF1, and seem to be impervious to the detrimental effects of these ailments that have long plagued mankind. The lack of this hormone also contributes to their diminutive stature.

But fuck all that noise, let’s dispel with semantics and get down to the true business of this article, and that is making vulgar, painfully obvious jokes.


 

News reports that Dwarfs in Ecuador don't get cancer or diabetes due to, and I quote, "the magic of inbreeding"... Magic? I'm pretty sure dipping into your own gene pool doesn't constitute as magic. Pulling a rabbit from a hat, yeah, making your own penis disappear into your mother’s vagina... Not so much.
If hiding the sausage in somebody that you're related to is considered a magic trick, then this guy is motherfucking Harry Houdini!

     


Of course, now the Ecuadwarfs are starting to claim that they penetrated each other to intentionally cure cancer, and not  because they're hairier than Wookies and are unable to find anyone willing to sleep with them who are not related to them. They're now all like, "Hey, I'm trying to solve Cancer, one of the biggest killers in the world, that's the only reason I'm slamming my sister. I'm saving lives here, godammit!"

It's bad enough when your only career option are playing Jawas, Ewoks or that little cumrag from "Willow and having to drink only "L.A ICE" because you're too little to reach the shelf with "Coke" and "R.C COLA" on it, but to now have your tiny mantle besmirched by inbreeding Ecuadwarfs, that's just the cherry on top of a steaming shitmuffin that is your life.

But before you start banging all and sundry with the same genetic template as you, first realise that it's too late for you to benefit from this amazing scientific discovery. In short, pounding the familial drum will not stop you getting cancer, or help you get that functioning Pancreas you asked Santa to bring you for Christmas.

By indulging in incestuous orgies, you may save the life of your future, hideously deformed children, but the best you can hope for is a quick demise from the syphilis you're bound to catch by dipping your brush into your mother's paint pot. 
Or maybe an invitation to represent "The Lollipop Guild". Who knows, it could happen...


Unless, of course, you're Achondroplasia afflicted adult film star "Mr. Midget", then your life is just a clusterfuck of awesomeness and nothing at all could ever bring you down. 

         

Follow Sean on TWITTER.

Advertisement
Advertisement

From Around the Web

More