I’ve got you right where I want you, precious hero. PREPARE FOR YOUR DOOM.
For now, I, LORD of darkness, ARBITER of pain, EATER OF SOULS, stand before you to receive the immortal powers of the prophecy.
But before I unleash the Hellmouth upon you, MY THERAPIST has encouraged me to address the childhood trauma behind my actions!!
That’s right! Just as you evaded the clutches of my SNOW BEAST, HECTOR THE UNSTOPPABLE, I too evaded my childhood neglect by pursuing a career in villainy. I mean, I guess I never really considered how much my father traveling so much played a role in my quest for world domination!
I just feel this need to CONTROL things. Like the 5-mile obstacle course I created to trap you in my lair! Which took much longer to set up by the way.
YOU TRY MY PATIENCE, MUSCLE BOY!
BUT NOW! With the power I absorbed from LORD FLORGON’S ancient scepter. And the tools for self-reflection bestowed upon me by RENOWNED PSYCHIATRIST DR LARA CHENEY M.D, author of “Get Your Life: A Survivor’s Guide To Creating Your You,” THE WORLD IS MINE! HAHAHA!
This is probably a good time to draw your attention to your high school girlfriend I’ve got tied up in the locker behind you. Did you think I’d really let her live? Really?
After that time in sixth grade someone trapped ME in my gym locker for THREE DAYS and Daddy called me a TINY GIRL for crying?
YOU PATHETIC FOOL!
It’s not my fault my voice didn’t drop until college! I grew up with three sisters!
IT’S JUST SCIENCE!
SO BRING TO ME THE JEWEL OF ETERNAL SLUMBER!
FINALLY! It’s time for you to face your demise, just like I must face the fact that my thirst for vengeance comes from the pain of watching my parents trapped in a loveless marriage.
Like, I’ve seriously NEVER SEEN THEM KISS! EVER!!
SO PREPARE for the inevitable moment of breakthrough that will soon transpire before your very eyes! You’ve fallen directly into my plan, AND I’VE BEGUN A DIALOGUE WITH MY INNER CHILD!
I FEEL IT….
I AM A GOD! I AM THE COSMOS.
I AM NOT MY FATHER!
Kneel before your master.