Cincinatti – Yesterday it was released that the remains of Dr. Frederic J. Baur were cremated and put in his own invention – a can of Pringles. In a shocking mishap, Baur’s grandson and Ohio State University senior Ted Stolzman ate part of the remains of Fredric Baur.
“I got so fucked up last night. So fucked up. I had like 6 Cuervo shots chased by like a million Coronas at the Derby, and Lindsay was dancing with some douchebag. And I was starving. I got home and saw a can of ‘Loaded Baked Potato’ and forget it, man.”
Assuming the Pringles can with his charred grandfather had been stowed away safely, Stolzman sat down to watch an “Everybody Loves Raymond” re-run before going to sleep.
“I was about half-way through, and I tasted bone.” When asked how he knew it was human bone, Stolzman simply said, “I just knew. If you taste it some day, you’ll know.”
Unfortunately, Stolzman didn’t stop there. “I was almost done and I noticed that my arm wasn’t all greasy from reaching down to the bottom of the can. That’s when I knew for sure, man. Holy shit, I ate Grandpa.”
The rest of the Baur family would not comment on the tragedy, except to say that it left a bad taste in their mouths.