Dear Glenn Michaels,
I hope this letter finds you well and in good spirits.
We have never met before; although, I have been trying to track you down for some time. The reason I know your name is from all YOUR MAIL that gets delivered to my house everyday of the week. Besides Sunday.
At first I thought it was a common mistake by an overworked/underpaid United States Postal Service. But, after asking my fe-mail man, I found out you used to live here. She didn't know anything else about you.
No forwarding address? You are one slippery cat, Glenn. Google hasn't heard of you. Searching your name on yahoo made my internet application unexpectedly quit.
Who is Glenn Michaels? Not only a great question, also my IM screen name. Here are a few things I've learned about you so far:
1. Nordstrom lover! They alert you every time another half year goes by. (If it wasn't for Nordstrom's air-tight security and loyal employees, I would have had your phone number a long time ago.)
2. It's time for an oil change. You have received at least 10 notices.
3. The Thai food place down the street has a new menu. Also, they still don't take personal checks.
4. YOU REALLY NEED TO PAY YOUR AMERICAN EAGLE CARD.
So, Glenn, I'm shooting from the hip. I don't want to cause you any harm, invade your privacy, or even touch you. I just want to get all this important mail to you as soon as possible.
One other thing, I used to get cards from your mom every week. Now, nothing. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I think you're mom forgot your address. Or she might be dead.
PS. Is that red stain in the Master Bedroom really sharpie like the realtor said?