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November 28, 2012

The Hobbit will blow your mind like Donkey Kong.


Brought to you by WARP SPEED WEDNESDAY.

WARNING:  If you did not like the Lord of the Rings trilogy, then this article is not for you.  Indeed, reading anything requiring imagination is not for you, so I suggest you go to the Weather Channel, and stare at Montana weather patterns.  Cause you clearly like living a dull, bland life of repetition and possibly madness.  But not madness caused by anything cool like venereal disease, but the lunacy of the boring.

That said, for the rest of you … get ready for THE HOBBIT, cause it is gonna blow your mind.   And this is why …

There are fucking DWARVES in it.  And not the type of Dwarves that make shoes or bang Snow White or any stupid shit like that, but fucking battle Dwarves, that fight Orcs, chop down Trolls like trees, and can drink like fucking Kennedys on Spring Break in Ireland.  There are 13 of them, and you’re gonna love all of them.  And laugh with them.  And fucking cry when the first one takes an Orc arrow through the heart.  Cause they’re awesome.

Rockstar Dwarves getting ready to go kick some Dragon ass. And get really drunk.

BILBO is played by Martin Freeman, the dude who plays Watson on the BBC version of Sherlock.  That’s right.  The BBC version of Sherlock, which is fantastic if you haven’t seen it, as is Martin Freeman’s performance.  I’m not talking the CBS version where Watson is played by Lucy Liu, which obviously is a fucking joke, but the Brit one, with that Cumberbatch guy, who by the way is the bad guy in the next Star Trek movie – which also will blow your mind.

Sherlock is Bilbo’s best friend, not friggin’ fat Sam.

SAM is NOT in this movie.  Which means no faithful, dimwitted, loveable sidekick will  be trying to have sex with Bilbo during the majority of the journey.  Not that I have any issues with same sex Hobbit couples, it was just a fucking distraction when in the middle of Shelob trying to kill Frodo, Sam was giving Elijah Wood a shoulder massage.  The Hobbit should be completely sexless.  This is an adventure-fantasy movie based on a 70 year old novel.  Come on.  Though thinking about it, I’m not sure about what’s gonna go on with those drunk Dwarves …

This shit will not go on in The Hobbit.

GANDALF is all over the place, smoking his pipe, raising his staff to shoot magic, being everyone’s best friend.  And that’s what these movies are about.  Gandalf, running around like a white Morgan Freeman, saving the day, calming terrified people in the midst of crisis, and occasionally pulling out his broadsword and breaking some Orc ass.

Gandalf sporting his pre-LOTR look. Kung Fu journey hat, and gnarled magic staff, with hidden chamber for weed.

LEGOLAS is in this, which means that Orlando Bloom gets to reprise the only role he’s ever been good at.  Which makes me happy, cause Orlando Bloom seems like a really nice, albeit boring, chap.  Glad to see he’ll be putting the blond wig and green tights back on, while shooting arrows like his bow is a fucking Uzi and then later deliver soulful looks at Aragon around the campfire.  Wait a minute … what the hell was going on in those last movies?  I really think the Dwarves may end up screwing.  Dammit!

Orlando Bloom making the same face he made in every scene of LOTR. He will reprise this face in The Hobbit. He does it well.

GOLLUM is not a complete pussy in this movie.  In LOTR, Gollum has already been broken by Sauron for losing the ring, making him a sniveling waste of screentime, but in The Hobbit, he is at the top of his game … cause he has the Precious.  Which means he has a lot of attitude when he meets Bilbo … and you know he can back it up.  There is no doubt he will eat Bilbo’s brains like an extra from Walking Dead if Bilbo doesn’t answer the riddle … so beware moviegoers.  Gollum is in the house.

Gollum deciding if Bilbo’s brain will pair with a Chianti or a Brunello.

MEAN ELVES.   Cause in this movie, the Mirkwood Elves are real assholes.  Not in the French, this isn’t our fight, and we’re just leaving for the Havens bullshit we saw in LOTR, but in the WE FUCKING HATE EVERYONE WAY.  The Hobbit Elves hate the Dwarves.  They hate Men.  They hate Orcs.  They pretty much even hate each other.  They fester on a level that brings a tear to my eye.  And they’ve got an army willing to back up their dysfunction.  Which is movie gold.

ALCOHOLISM.  Granted the Hobbits threw back some drinks in LOTR, but in this movie, the Dwarves constantly will be pounding brews, ale, mead, whatever the fuck they call the moonshine that they live on.  The result will be a lot of trash-talking, brawling, and singing.  And rehab is not in their vocabulary.  Dwarves that can’t handle their Ale end up in a Troll stew.  That simple.  But the Dwarves don’t care, cause they live to party.   Basically you’re gonna be transported to Ireland.  Which is a good thing.  Trust me.

This is what you would look like if you hung with the Dwarves.

There are NO CHICKS in the movie.  Which outside of gay porn is very rare.  Look, women are the anchors of most movies, but every so often, guys just need a movie with guys hanging out, being cool, having adventures, fighting dragons … without some gal telling them to stop having fun.  Sure Peter Jackson will insert a few female characters to satisfy SAG, but they will be over-written to give them the false importance of characters not in the original source material.  Cause I’m pretty sure that Tolkien didn’t give a crap about feminism.  Which is okay for an ancient guy.

Galadriel in a key scene where she pours water.

SMAUG THE DRAGON.  And we’re talking a nuclear level old school dragon here, living in a mountain, sitting on his gold, attacking cities … beyond kickass.  Granted he’s not gonna be in the first movie (I think), but he’ll close out this series like Mariano Rivera in the ninth.  And we’re talking young Mariano, not 46 year old Mariano, though old Mariano’s actually still pretty good.  But I digress.  Smaug is the Mothra of this movie, only he’s pissed off evil Mothra.  He could attack Tokyo, and the Japanese would love it.  He is the shit.  And unlike the main villain Sauron in the last movies … he will not be a lame floating eye.   You don’t kill him by throwing a ring in a volcano.  You have to attack him with armies.  Multiple armies with magic shit.  Cause he’s Smaug, the last fucking dragon in Middle Earth.

Mothra in his new battle helmet flying to hang with buddy Smaug. Cause Smaug is that cool.