BDF: Good morning. It’s truly an honor to be able to get to meet with you.
MR. WEST: Yeah, it is.
BDF: Do you mind if I call you Kanye?
MR. WEST: Naw.
BDF: Ok, Kanye…
MR. WEST: I said naw. Don’t call me that.
BDF: Oh…ok. What do you want me to call you?
MR. WEST: Call me “Sir.”
BDF: Um…Alright, well, let’s jump right into it. Let’s talk about your latest, wildly popular single: The Itsy Tipsy Spider.
MR. WEST: That song is a gift to humanity.
BDF: It’s been at Number One on the Billboard Top 40 chart for two weeks now. Can you tell my readers what was your inspiration to write this song?
MR. WEST: Sure. I was thinking about all these nursery rhymes I heard when I was a kid, and I thought to myself, “Yo, Ye, these rhymes are f***ing whack. You could write way better rhymes than that whack s***.” So I took the Itsy Bitsy Spider, turned it into the Itsy Tipsy Spider, and made $3 million in the process.
BDF: Was there a particular demographic that you were targeting?
MR. WEST: Yeah. I want all moms all over the world to sing it to their kids so that the first taste of poetry they hear isn’t some stupid nursery rhyme, but my sick f****ing flow.
BDF: The opening line to the song is: “The Itsy Tipsy Spider went up the water spout. I pulled out my d*** and jammed it in its mouth.” You don’t see an issue with mothers singing that to their infants?
MR. WEST: I mean, I get heat for being an innovator and risk taker in my music all the time. But if I’m going to single-handedly pull hip-hop into the future, people are going to have to learn to deal with my genius.
BDF: So you don’t see any problems with toddlers listening to a song involving fellatio and bestiality?
MR. WEST: The only critique that I could think of is that some of the lyrics aren’t full rhymes. I get it. “Mouth” and “spout” are only half rhymes. But my music isn’t about being a slave to words. It’s about letting the brilliance pour out of me. It’s not about the words, man. It’s about the brilliance.
BDF: What about the claim that your songs are highly misogynistic?
MR. WEST: There it is again. Listen, I don’t have a problem with the b****es. I love the b****es. I f***ed seven different b****es last night at the same time. How could I not love the b****es if I f***ed seven of them?
BDF: And what if women do not wish to be called “b****es”?
(Mr. West stared blankly at me for about two minutes.)
BDF: Ok. When you first made it big almost a decade ago, you came out with songs that touched upon a wide range of extremely serious issues. “Diamonds from Sierra Leone,” for instance, spoke out against the blood diamond trade. “Jesus Walks” dealt with your own, personal spiritual dilemmas. “Through the Wire” was a celebration of surviving a near death experience. Some of your critics, however, say that over the last several years, most of your songs have become lyrically monotone. Essentially, they state that they have degraded to talking about how much money you have, how much of it you waste, and how many women are attracted to you for it.
MR. WEST: First of all, my songs aren’t all the same. Alright? Like in my song “Mercy,” I talk about ass, weed, and trips to Paris. In “N****s in Paris” I rap about f***ing a b**** in a bathroom stall. In “Watch the Throne,” I talk about my yacht and buying this b**** some fake titties. See? Completely different.
BDF: I see. You’ve made tens of millions of dollars. Have you given any thought to giving back…
(Mr. West got up from his chair and started walking toward the door.)
BDF: Oh my God, I’m sorry if I offended you. I didn’t mean to…
(Mr. West turned around with his hand on the doorknob.)
MR. WEST: Offended? Naw, I’m not offended. I just got bored. I’m going to rip the roof off a Maybach with an industrial grinder. That’ll be fun.
(Mr. West walked out and slammed the door behind him.)