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October 29, 2010

I realized over the weekend that you shouldn't pick wild mushrooms from your backyard and put them on a homemade pizza, but these things happen, and no one is to blame. The hallucinations provided a colorful afternoon and the opportunity for me to ask myself some of life's tough questions, and document my responses...

Time Travel

me: Is time travel physically or logically possible?

myself: "...it takes time to travel anywhere. Just yesterday, it took me over an hour's time to travel to the good Wendy's across town. The Wendy's right next to my house makes awful Frosty's.   How you can physically or logically screw up a Frosty, I don't know. I thought it came out of a machine that takes care of everything for you... you just have to pour it into the yellow cup and put a lid on it. I don't even like chocolate, my body doesn't handle it well, but I respect a well-made Frosty that only costs a dollar enough to buy it and sentence my bowels to a noisy gurgling liquid riot every once in a while. Don't get me wrong, chocolate tastes good at first, but it's like inviting a seemingly innocent glee club to sing Christmas classics at your local community center, and after the first song they end up killing everyone with microphone stands and burning the place down. Sure, that seems unlikely, but if it's physically and logically possible, then so is time travel."

Extraterrestrial Life

me: "Are we alone in the universe?"

myself: "...i am willing to go find out if no one else will. I just don't have a ton of cash to work with right now. But, no, based upon what I already know, there is a green martian version of myself named Ballzack in a galaxy called Kuppertron. Ballzack is dating the hottest green martian in Kuppertron. Her name is Broobs, and she is a perfect 10: Fiery red eyes (space equivalent - hazel eyes), naturally evergreen-tinted skin (space equivalent - Brazilian tan without tan lines), and long flowing orange head tails (space equivalent - silky brown hair). Broobs birthed Ballzack a strapping ox of a martian son named Wangton that is projected to go #1 in the upcoming space draft for space ball (the highest paying sport in the universe), but Broobs's deliriously fabulous shape bounced back immediately like a Temperpedic mattress. Broobs loves space sports and space beer, and understands that Ballzack needs to have reoccurring martian guy-time to shoot space guns and make space jerky. Broobs thinks that Ballzack's space beard is sexy, and she cleans their space house wearing only a red-and-white plaid space apron as a sultry 'welcome' greeting for Ballzack when he returns home from working hectic days as the highly-respected manager at the in-store space McDonalds inside their local space Target. I know this because I had an out-of-body experience while hitch-hiking from Phoenix to Portland. A dark man by the name of Cutler picked me up in a red 94' LeBaron convertible just outside of Reno. I ate the remaining half of a cold breakfast burrito that he was planning to throw away at the next gas station, and passed out for about twelve hours. Ballzack spoke to me in my sleep and revealed my alternate life in Kuppertron. Honestly, he seemed like a real douche."

Cultural Relativism

me: "Are moral values relative or absolute?"

myself: "...moral values are both relatively absolute, and absolutely relative. See? I can play with fancy words too. Who made up the first moral values? What credentials did they have to start making up stuff that I have to live by? If a holy panda bear in Japan declared that eating corndogs is wrong, and slapping the elderly with spit in your palm is right, would you follow those principles? You don't even know this panda, and you love corndogs. And how is the panda even coming up with this stuff? How does a panda know what a corndog is? How many pandas do you see walking around slapping elderly people? No one asks these questions. The panda doesn't know anything, they are just creating this stuff from nowhere and seeing if they can get a group of people to follow it because pandas can't play video games (no opposable thumbs). Holy pandas have no place in society. Have you ever seen 'moral values' at a family reunion? No, because they are not relative. Have you ever seen 'moral values' printed on a popular vodka bottle label? No, because they are not absolute. Thus, hence, ergo, my position rests as follows: No, moral values are neither relative, nor are they absolute. They are a song that you can choose to listen to, but will get stuck in your head and annoy the living crap out of you at work all day if it's the last thing that you hear in your car."

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Until next time: The universe is like Wyoming: Everyone knows it's big, and unless you live there, no one wants to go there because there's nothing to do.