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October 30, 2015
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Really, Derek? Her??

As I’m sure you’ve all heard, Derek Jeter is engaged to Sports Illustrated Cover model Hannah Davis (above), leaving me with just one question:What does Hannah Davis have that I don’t, Derek??

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Like I *kinda* got it when you dated Minka Kelly, Derek.

Look I got it when you dated Minka Kelly. It’s because she has a cool name. “Minka” kind of sounds like the noise a Pokémon would make when it sneezes. But, no offense, Hannah’s name isn’t that cool. In fact I already know two people named Hannah. How many people do you know with the name Gertrude Splooge, Derek?? Just one! Me, Gertrude Splooge.

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She might be NJ strong, but not Dumptruck, NJ strong.

Or is it because Hannah supports New Jersey, your hometown? Sure,I mean I guess that makes sense….if you’re willing to forget that I’M ALSO FROM NEW JERSEY. Imagine we could raise our kids in gorgeous Dumptruck, NJ. They could play in the backyard with their gas masks on (because of the nuclear waste), pick apples from the memorial tree (do NOT eat apples), and visit their Grandpop Splooge and his half-dead friends in the nuclear cemetery.

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Idk what you see in her, Derek.

And don’t even try to tell me that Hannah is more athletic than me. Look, I’ll admit her bow is pretty impressive, but I bet you I could destroy her at weightlifting. They say women can’t bulk, but tell that to these guns. All my shirts are vests now to make room for my hulking, veiny arms. And, I can’t even begin to tell you how many kidney stones I’ve passed from all the whey protein I drink. Your move, Hannah.

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Seriously, am I missing something???

In short, I really don’t know what you see in this girl. I googled her and I don’t even think she has a real job. She just hangs out on the beach all day. She better hope I don’t see her out there when I’m hunting for scrap metal on the Atlantic shores, because I’d give her a piece of this Splooge’s mind. Yeah, I’d Splooge all over her big time…

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Consider Hannah Davis Splooge-ed.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement or whatever, Derek.

(Also, please ignore all of photos that I accidentally liked and then quickly unliked on Hannah’s Instagram last night.)

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