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July 17, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

7-11s in Singapore have begun offering a mashed potatoes dispenser. Causing even the biggest patriot to question if America is still the greatest country in the world.

The International Monetary Fund lowered its predictions for economic growth in Europe. Causing Europe to overcompensate and marry a trophy wife while being emotionally hollow.

Mitt Romney is reportedly close to announcing his running mate. Rumors suggest Tim Pawlenty, as he seems the most okay with not winning anything.

In related news, Mitt Romney's failure to invite Sarah Palin to the GOP convention has reportedly upset the Tea Party. Also upsetting the Tea Party: Everything else.

Early reviews of "The Dark Knight Rises" have called the film "grand," spectacular," and "triumphantly cinematic." Keep in mind, most of those are from Elegant Hyperbole Monthly.

George Zimmerman, the man who murdered Trayvon Martin, is being accused of molesting a young girl. An accusation that might stick since he doesn't work for Penn State.

Members of the Treasury Department accepted gifts from businesses and hired prostitutes, according to a probe.  If they keep it up, they might even be asked to protect the president.

Protestors chanted "Monica!" and threw tomatoes and shoes at Hillary Clinton's motorcade in Egypt. Throwing things they could have eaten being a good sign that things in Egypt have gotten better.

New technology has given further insight into how plant-eating dinosaurs ate. And the answer is, very self-consciously.

Murder rates have fallen in El Salvador, which was declared last year to be the most murderous country in the world. Putting a lot of pressure on the new most murderous country, wherever El Salvador's murderers went on vacation.