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January 08, 2015

Nothing like a denture glass martini eye-opener.

A bill recently passed through the Massachusetts State Legislature that would allow the sale of alcohol in nursing homes if Governor Deval Patrick signs it into law. Here are some fantastic cocktail recipes that are perfect for seniors in eldercare facilities, should the new law be ratified:

I.V. Bag Manhattan

• Ice cubes
• 2 parts whiskey
• 5 parts saline solution
• 1 part sweet vermouth
• 1 to 2 Maraschino cherries
• 1 dash bitters
• Orange peel

Place ice in a standard 1000ml IV bag. Add the whiskey, vermouth and bitters. Shake the bag, then add the Maraschino cherries. Rub orange peel on the needle before plunging into bedridden resident’s vein. Set drip rate to 15 gtts/min.

Denture Glass Gibson Martini

• 1 ounce dry vermouth
• 4 ounces gin
• 1 tablet Polident denture cleaner
• 1 cocktail onion

At bedtime, mix vermouth, gin and Polident tablet in a martini glass. Drop in cocktail onion and dentures and go to bed. Resident will awake in the morning to clean dentures and a nice, stiff eye-opener.

Dementia Mai Tai

• (None)

Tell resident he or she just had a mai tai 10 minutes ago.

Racist Tequila Sunrise

• Ice cubes
• 1.5 ounces tequila
• Loud opinions on “the Mexicans”
• ¾ cup freshly squeezed orange juice
• 1.5 ounces grenadine syrup
• 1 orange slice for garnish
• 1 Maraschino cherry for garnish

Stir together tequila and orange juice, at which point the mention of “tequila” should spur residents to begin saying negative things about Mexican people and U.S. immigration policy. Fill a chilled 12 ounce glass with ice cubes and pour in mixture while ignoring residents as they blame a recent spate of thefts in the eldercare facility on a Mexican orderly (who is actually from Uruguay). Slowly pour in grenadine and allow it to settle to the bottom of the glass; garnish with orange slice and maraschino cherry as residents veer off topic and complain about how Mexican food is too spicy.

Death With Dignity Vodka Gimlet

• Plastic handle of cheap vodka
• Lime juice (optional)
• Full bottle of barbiturates

Make sure resident has decided that life was not meant to be lived this way, and that each passing day brings with it new indignities and fewer opportunities to decide his or her own fate. Leave resident alone with vodka and medication.

Illustrations By Michele Rosenthal