In sharp contrast to years past, several students have returned for the year not from a summer internship or abroad, but from one of the Northeast’s premiere summer writing workshops.

“Stoneyrock is certainly the best of the best,” said Senior Gavin Delbrook from the fetal position, having recently returned from the camp’s 8 week summer program in Northern Maine. “They go all out. No phones, no computers, no electronics of any kind, only letter-writing, story-sharing, and all day journaling hikes.“

Stoneyrock’s website insists applicants are aware that the program’s insistence on an analog lifestyle extends to watches, books, all music of any kind, and even food preparation.

“It’s completely changed my life,” said Delbrook. “For the worse.”

Delbrook has reported that since his return from Stoneyrock, he is unable to even look at a computer, phone, or tablet with collapsing into a convulsing, twitching wreck. Pedestrians on the Diag may notice Delbrook as the one whose eardrums explode at every toll of the bell tower. It is at time of publication unclear how his eardrums are able to burst repeatedly; whether they somehow reform on their own or require medical attention. But they do.

“The very sight of a power-line makes his nose bleed,” said Delbrook’s roommate and current caretaker Elliot Bernard. “When anyone within fifty feet of him gets a text, his sperm count drops by 90 million.”

“The goal of the workshop is simple: tap into our student’s true creative potential as writers by stripping them of their distracting reliance on technology and putting them in touch with nature and each other for the duration of their stay,” said Writing Instructor Hans Imo. "We also seek to make them pay for the sins of their generation.”

Stoneyrock’s website also boasts an impressive list of alumni, including the Randy Quaid, Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme, and the Unabomber.

Said Delbrook, “Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop.”

Stoneyrock also offers several scholarships to underprivileged students, hoping to eliminate socioeconomic status as a barrier in transforming the modern world into a living hell for yourself.

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