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July 17, 2017
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It's time we trade Dad...

Mom,

As the trade deadline approaches I think it’s an appropriate time to discuss the current state of our roster (family). There’s no easy way to say this: we need to trade Dad.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll never question his dedication to the team, especially during the lean years. It’s never easy building a roster during a recession, and I’m eternally grateful for the opportunity to join the team during such a tumultuous time. All that being said, we can’t pretend as if the first half of the year has been anything but a complete and abject failure.

As we approach your company’s annual summer BBQ we have tough decisions to make. After sweeping the competition last year I’ve become addicted to the rush winning gives you on a hot Saturday in mid-August. The thought of a dynasty has crossed my mind, but after a close examination of the participating families, we’d be fooling ourselves to think we stood a chance in the three-legged race, let alone the water balloon toss.

Given our current makeup — three children in their prime and a mother that rediscovered her form after taking up yoga — can we afford to keep someone on the roster that refuses to stick to a family diet, often displaying a complete lack of discipline on road trips?

I really want to win the water ballon toss…

However, this trade is not just about the company BBQ. No, this trade is about our future as a family. I don’t think I’m alone in saying we could benefit from a different voice in the clubhouse. Veteran leadership is an important attribute in any player, and lord knows I’ll miss the individual handshake routines Dad has for each of us. But we need a new narrative.

I can’t imagine how hard it is to work everyday, taking care of such an unproven, young collection of talent while your veteran counterpart can’t be bothered to cook dinner or even vacuum the living room.

Mom, you’re in the peak of your career in a very winnable subdivision!

I left some trade proposals in your purse for your consideration. Please review them with an open mind. To make things easier I’ve included cash considerations from my lemonade stand to help push the deal forward should we have to eat some of the remaining contract, which I honestly can’t see us avoiding. Sadly, I don’t have enough for a straight buyout of his contract.

If your heart is having a tough time with this proposal, I encourage you to examine the numbers. Statistically, Dad is just not cutting the mustard compared to his competition. I looked up something called WAR (Wins Above Replacement) that MLB uses to compare talent throughout the league. I replaced things like hits and runs with hugs and “I love you sons,“ and if my math is correct (and it may not be since I haven’t taken Algebra yet), my friend Timmy’s dad is at a +12 rating. Conversely, Dad is at a +1. So, basically, Timmy’s dad is 12 times the man my father is. Sobering stuff.

If pressed, I do have a preference for who we should go after in the trade market. Please consider trading for Mr. Malone from across the street (+14 WAR). He has an Australian accent, could teach me rugby (should transfer very well to the water balloon toss), and has a son my age. I figure if we trade Dad, cash, our lawnmower, and maybe a baby to consider later we could definitely get Mr. Malone and his son on our team. I saw Dad talk to his wife once and she seemed semi-interested in the conversation. Maybe it’s the fresh start they both need.

I hope you will do the right thing as I don’t have the patience for a total rebuild of our franchise.

Love,

Your Son

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