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Published April 27, 2010 More Info »
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Published April 27, 2010

FLATULENCE....According to Wikipedia, it's the expulsion through the rectum of a mixture of gases that are byproducts of the digestive process.







Yes, it has come down to this.  Why do I keep wasting your time with stupid nonsense when you could be reading "War And Peace" or popping that zit you have on your ass cheek.  I don't have a good answer for you so think of it as two minutes of useless information. 



FART....FACT OR FRICTION?

We all know farts exist.  We produce them; we hear them; we smell them.  At one time in your life you've experienced the thrill of the fart.  But why do farts fascinate us?  Is it the loud, obnoxious sound it makes?  Is it the smell when inhaled that can send you scurrying for the nearest window or bring you to the brink of hurling?  Or is it the fact that after you've "ripped one," which can only be described as monumental or earth shattering, gets you high fives from your buddies/buddettes or sends your significant other to seek refuge or divorce.



HISTORICAL FART FACTS...

1. I had a friend in college who farted while his girlfriend was giving him a blow job!
2. A fart that was owned by me stank so bad it sent my dad to bed.
3. A friend farted in the car that reeked to high heaven and gave me a serious case of the dry heaves.
4. I was on a first date with this woman and from the beginning of the date till the end I had to fart.  Do you know how hard it is to hold a fart?  And I had to do this over the course of several hours.  Fortunately, it was our first date so nothing happened except for a good night kiss.  Once I got into the car, I must have farted for two minutes straight.  Warning:  I don't think it's good to hold a fart in for several hours!



ELDERLY FARTS...

I've come to the conclusion that the elderly fart whenever they feel like it or they have no choice because their anal muscles can't hold them.


Some elderly farts include...

THE DUSTER.....a fart that comes with its own dust cloud caused by...well, just being old.

THE PIFF, PIFF, PIFF.....a series of farts by a female that come out in rapid, short bursts followed by the sheepish remark of "oh, my, was that me?"

THE NEANDERTHAL.....a fart so old it was being kept for that "special occasion."

THE FUCK YOU.....the old man 'juicy' fart that is quickly followed by "get me a damn diaper, asshole!"

THE STONER.....the fart where you catch a buzz because of the 22 meds your Uncle Sam is taking.



I HAVE A QUESTION...

When mimes fart does it make a sound?
If a nun farts does she pray for forgiveness?
Did Jesus fart?
If your underwear could talk, what would it say after a couple of bean burritos?
If you could fart in a celebrity's face, who would it be?



There's an artform to farting.  Anybody can fart, but for the serious fart aficionado, it takes years to hone his/her craft.  It all comes down to substance, beauty, form, depth of character and "the finish."  Only a select few earn the title of "YOUR GASNESS."  Like fine wine, with age comes legendary status.  Never let it be said that you have no talent.  If you can lift your leg and shout to the world "Hey, people, I CAN flatulate with the gusto of the Vienna Choir!"....then you, my friend, have achieved what mere mortals can only dream about.



SO, LIFT A LEG AND BECOME THE FEW....THE PROUD....THE FARTERS.



 


 

 

 



 

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