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February 21, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at www.brianlisi.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Mitt Romney will give a speech at the upcoming Conservative Political Action Conference. Or as Romney refers to it, the first real reason in three months to wear clean pants.

The new Playstation 4 will allow your friends to help you out in a game by taking over your controller. Because online gaming only brings out the best in people, right homo?

Police sent a Facebook message to a Georgia woman in order to tell her that her son died. The police apologized but explained she wasn't responding through Match.com.

The government of Bulgaria resigned following massive protests. "But they killed a bunch of people first, right?" asked Egyptians.

Conan O'Brien will headline the upcoming White House Correspondents Dinner. O'Brien says he's not nervous Joe Biden will be there since he already knows what it's like to have an old, white-haired man waiting for him to mess up.

FEMA issued an emergency bulletin about an increase in hash oil explosions across the country. In other words, good luck with those hash oil explosions, minorities.

Former Sen. Pete Domenici has admitted to fathering an illegitimate child with a lobbyist. And that, children, is how laws are made.

The New York Times Company announced it will be selling the Boston Globe. The Times finally admitting it was wrong to think Boston would want to read.

Speaking out against drilling in the Arctic for resources, the UN stated: “What we are seeing is that the melting of ice is prompting a rush for exactly the fossil fuel resources that fuelled the melt in the first place.” "Oh, the United Nations is pointing out irony, that's great, we love irony," said Syrians.

John Kerry delivered his first remarks as secretary of state at the University of Virginia on Wednesday. Hinting at an illustrious career ahead discussing foreign policy without leaving the country.

Lance Armstrong says he will not cooperate with the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency, but he will work with other authorities. Suggesting the possibility that Lance Armstrong has successfully grown his other ball back.