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Published November 22, 2009 More Info »
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Published November 22, 2009

Jim McPartland

www.funnyordie.com/jbmcpart

 

Happy Pre Turkey to all of you!

 

Between Census taking, computer issues of biblical proportions, and the inability to finish what I’ve started (around 5 stories in various stages of disarray and the #1 complaint of every female I’ve ever been with), I need to put something here to prove I’m breathing. Duncan Sheik ‘Barely’, but breathing none the less.

 

I had the pleasure of hockey refereeing Adult Sled Hockey yesterday. These are disabled adults, most in wheelchairs off the ice, who sit on souped up metal sleds swerving around using their butts to guide and two short sticks like ski poles to push themselves. It takes a great amount of upper body strength and I couldn’t help but think of the human propensity to overcome real obstacles when one decides to take the shitty 8/2 ‘Texas Hold ‘Em’ cards God dealt them and turn it into a winning hand by bluffing.

There was one guy nicknamed “The Keg” who had NO legs yet managed to bob and weave around like a Weeble, encouraging team mates and laughing all the while. Scored a couple goals, too.

Remember this the next time you’re stuck in traffic.

 

 

A few news items I plucked from the paper last week-

 

From Ozark, Ark (it’s always the South) - a Policeman was suspended for tasering a 10 year old girl for not taking a shower. Her mother encouraged him to do so.

In an unrelated story, due to recent Republican victories in the once liberal Massachusetts, burning at the stake has been reinstituted as a form of punishment for staying out past curfew and nude textpixing.

 

 

D.A. Ed Jagels is retiring in California. Jagels lead the charge in the 80’s that resulted in two dozen child molesters being sent to prison for decade long stretches.

Judges now say the crimes never happened. The child witnesses, now adults, admit they were coached. Brandon Smith’s false testimony sent his own parents off to a cell block city for 12 years.

Since the 80’s, all but one of Jagels convictions has been reversed.

Yet he kept winning reelection.

So, I guess stupidity is not limited to just the south. The West has its moments of brain farts, too.

And so much for our fair court system that I always hope works.

Sacco and Vanzetti, anyone?

 

 

Corporate insurance giant Aetna is laying off another 1000 people by the end of the year, 400 here in CT. This, after axing 4000 in the past year.

Republicans will claim this is a precursor to what will happen if the public option becomes reality. The poor insurance companies won’t compete with big bad government and, whooossshhh, more unemployed.

They, of course, will fail to point out Aetna’s CEO made $24,000,000 in salary and bonuses last year and is slated to do more this year.

He was planning to buy all those families turkeys this year, but changed his mind when he realized they all had ‘Tiny Tims’ with pre existing conditions.

 

 

Finally, the Catholic Diocese of Bridgeport is in negotiations with the courts to divulge portions of the 12,098 pages of testimony regarding priest abuse in the 70’s. The local Bishop has steadfastly claimed they were taking care of their own housekeeping and telling tales of the past involving mostly dead pastors would serve no purpose.

I could go into a diatribe that abstinence is an unrealistic expectation for any man and only leads to repressed homosexuals becoming laymen, but I won’t.

That’s because I read the last pages of what the two sides have agreed to disclose so far.

Page 12,098- “THIS PAGE LEFT INTENTIONALLY BLANK”.

Page 12,097- “XXXXXXXXXXXXX$$$$$$%%%% with his ^^^^^^^&&&, soon ######!!! his ^^^^^^^^^^.

Father Gallegan then washed his hands thoroughly and proceeded to hear the confession of 9 year old Timothy Shannon”.[1]



[1] The names were changed here to protect the innocent. I’ve never been called Tim Shannon and only knew a priest named Gilligan. The fact clerical collars scare me and make me convulse is only a coincidence.

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