Here’s an idea: check out this week’s best tweets.
I hate it when someone has an idea I was going to have.— Moose Allain (@MooseAllain) June 17, 2016
One thing about me is that i never give up. unless it's too hard or im too tired or something. then i give up immediately— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) June 15, 2016
I don't know why I'm anxious. I just constantly stare at a device that beams nightmares into my eyes.— ONE OF THE GOOD ONES (@UNTRESOR) June 12, 2016
I mean I'll give Simmons show a chance but these promos are real weird pic.twitter.com/CyPNbBdRdJ— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) June 15, 2016
Dikembe Mytempo / Dikembe Notmytempo pic.twitter.com/jQcbLzcoc9— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) June 13, 2016
A mere four hours deep into not having a phone and have already begun Scotch taping my face in an effort to recreate snapchat filters.— Courtney Bae-l (@CourtneyBale) June 11, 2016
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren't married we will tell each other what's honestly wrong about ourselves.— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) June 1, 2016
When they warned us "guac costs extra," we couldn't have imagined it would mean our children's lives.— Rob Cee (@TheRobCee) June 17, 2016
Without oboe players we would have no idea when an animal is doing something wacky in a nature documentary— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) June 11, 2016
So hard to find a name for your Abba tribute band that isn't taken these days. pic.twitter.com/WpqMACVJbm— Jemaine Clement (@AJemaineClement) June 17, 2016
if i had a nickel for every time i've had sex my pimp would be furious— Nope Jessie (@jessienope) June 11, 2016
[engineer looking at blueprints]— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) June 9, 2016
"Well, here's your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll."
Credentialed Press in Trump White House— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) June 13, 2016
- The Sharper Image catalog
- Jake Gyllenhall in “Nightcrawler"
Hope you can all make it to my super fun Girls Night In!!!!!! pic.twitter.com/uxzeKjIXVj— Leila Cohan-Miccio (@leilacohan) June 16, 2016
I always forget the name "Hal" is short for "Chalk"— Megan Amram (@meganamram) June 11, 2016
[street]— Steven W Skinner (@SkinnerSteven) June 4, 2016
ME: "What if I park here?"
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* "Fine by me"
Is there a gif yet of vin diesel driving next to Harambe at the end of furious 7— extremely online guy (@nickmullen) June 17, 2016
please give taylor swift and tom hiddleston their privacy they're trying to keep their relationship loki #ff— andy levy (@andylevy) June 15, 2016
Every photo of the guy from Sleigh Bells looks like he left his phone charger at work pic.twitter.com/siGcQl5BEh— Heathered Pearls (@heatheredpearls) June 10, 2016
[bankruptcy court]— Floyd (@dafloydsta) June 16, 2016
JUDGE: Didn't you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
"What charities do you donate to?"— Chris Kelly (@imchriskelly) June 15, 2016
"I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world."
So when does the all female Filibusters come out— Rhea Butcher (@RheaButcher) June 16, 2016
Ladies first, except when it comes to anything that matters.— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) June 17, 2016
Sure, this seems like the deadliest mass shooting in American history right now. But give it time.— Anthony Jeselnik (@anthonyjeselnik) June 12, 2016
WE ALREADY DO, YOU IDIOTIC FACEBOOK MEME! GO TRY TO BUY AN ALLIGATOR, DIPSHIT! pic.twitter.com/ngkQVIWRpf— Lon Harris (@Lons) June 17, 2016
I dont trust birds why are they so far up— Joeseph (@sad_tree) June 11, 2016