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June 22, 2009
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This past Sunday was Father’s Day, but I didn’t send my dad anything because I don’t really like him that much. And a few weeks before that was Mother’s Day, but I never ended up sending my mom anything because as it turns out, she’s dead.

And I know a lot of you reading this are thinking to yourselves, “boy, Steve is really lucky having a dead mom. I wish I didn’t have to buy my mom anything on Mother’s Day either.” And you’re right, having a dead mom is awesome. And not having to remember Mother’s Day is an incredible convenience I hope you all get to experience some day.

That being said, there are also a few things that suck about having a dead mom. I never get to eat my favorite meals anymore. I never get to say I’m sorry for all the times I acted like a jerk. And worst of all, I can’t masturbate anymore because I’m afraid she’s watching me all the time.

Seriously, I can feel her looking at me every time I start spankin’ it.

And I know what you’re thinking -- if you’re afraid she’s watching, why don’t you cover yourself up when you masturbate? And I would cover myself up except masturbating with a blanket kinda defeats the whole purpose of masturbating in front of little kids. Hello?? I mean, seriously…

Anyway, there’s a great new weekly group meeting every Tuesday for people who like masturbating in front of kids. It’s called “Child Abuse Support Group.” Check them out:

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