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NBC, in partnership with LucasFilms and a cadre of former cold war scientists, has announced completion of a time machine developed to transport planet earth back to 1996 in the hopes of elevating recently poor ratings.  One executive commented, "Remember 'ER'?  Of course you do.  We did that, that was us!"  When asked if the quality of their programming might have anything to do with the recent ratings slump, he said, "'The Mentalist?'  Really?"  Adding, "And if I see one more show about cakes I'm gonna fucking lose it!  You might think it would be easy to repackage 'Friends' for a new decade but... here we are," he added.  Michael Richards, when reached for comment, declared "Who do I have to kill to get on that time machine?"  Richards is, of course, known for playing 'Kramer' on the hit show 'Seinfeld' as well as having the ability to drink himself racist.  The director of development for the broadcasting giant commented, "Yeah, I really wish that we had gotten on that whole reality-singing-contest train earlier.  I mean, 'The Voice' is good... but I think Christina came off a little cunty this year and I'm just not sure where we can go from here with it."

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