In the year 1 A.D., it is widely believed that Three Wise Men headed for Jerusalem to meet the soon to be born King of the Jews.
That is 100% false.
In fact, there were four men that set out to meet the King of the Jews. You only hear about three because history has omitted the fourth wise man, Steve from the story.
Three days before the quest was supposed to have left for the east, Moses the reigning questmaster, sounded the beacon hoping that many people would gather for an important quest so that he could pick and choose the best and brightest. Much to the dismay of Moses only four men gathered. It was Melchior (A Persian Scholar), Caspar (An Indian Scholar), Balthazar (An Arabian Scholar), and Steve (Local Stoner for life).
“This is it,” Moses disappointingly noted. “Three scholars and a stoner? Sounds like a future plot to a movie. Very well. I have gathered you here today because the King of the Jews will be born in two weeks time. Give or take a few days, because you know babies can be stubborn as hell. You are to take gifts and bow down when you come to his town. I do believe that is a Westside Connection song. But it is relevant. You have three days to gather your belongings and set out. I dubbeth thee the Four Wise Men of Bel-Air.”
“Bros, I am honored to be going on this quest because it sounds like we are going to battle orcs and hang with wizards, and maybe if we are lucky we will find some authentic New York Pizza along the way too,” Steve informed the group. “By the way, Moses, I bartered my tablet from you.”
On December 10th, 1 A.D. the Four Wise Men of Bel-Air prepped to depart for a long and treacherous journey. Melchior, Balthazar, and Caspar arrived at the departure site with several bags for the long journey, as well as their gift they would present to the future king. Steve arrived with a small backpack and an overstuffed fanny pack, while riding a Segway.
“Um, what are you doing,” Melchior asked Steve.
“Taking my Segway.”
“I’m sorry but are you a chubby mall cop? Or are you delivering mail? Are you living in a retirement community? If the answer is no to any of those questions, you will not be riding a Segway on this quest, Steve. Take a camel like the rest of us,” Melchior warned.
“Hey, Melchi. You should pull my finger,” Steve laughed.
“Why on this flat Earth would I ever do that?”
From the beginning, there was a certain hostility coming from the other scholars against Steve. Afterall, these were men that had already achieved so many things in life, and Steve’s only claim was coming up with different flavors of munchies and making really inappropriate jokes, of which some are still told in modern day.
“So what gifts did everyone bring? “ Caspar asked as they trekked through the desert. “I brought frankincense.”
“Gold baby,” Melchior remarked. “I mean, what’s better than gold?”
“Gold, smold. I brought the future king a Walkman with two additional batteries. Oh, and did I mention that I have the first two Harry Potter books on audiotape. Oh plus a bag of Cheetos,” Steve beamed. “Jesus will freaking love me. I hope there is a Radio Shack on the way. I really want to get him like two more batteries.”
“Wait. You brought a baby a Walkman and a bag of Cheetos? Did you even think about that before you did it?” Melchior snidely asked. “Your gift is lame.”
“Says you. Obviously you haven’t heard the majestic British voice narrating this masterpiece.”
“You are something else. As I said before, your gift is lame,” Melchior added.
“Well, truth be told, Melchi, I was going to give him a lightsaber but that would be dangerous. I mean can you imagine a baby with a lightsaber? They can barely keep their heads up. They are like bobblehead dolls. Wait. Oh my goodness. That’s adorable. Damnit, I should’ve given him a lightsaber. Can you imagine his Instagram feed? Baby Jesus would’ve ruled the galaxy with that sweet ass piece of weaponry.”
“It’s Melchior,” he corrected Steve who ignored him. “Not Melchi, Or Chior, it’s Melchior you mindless idiot.”
“Ba ba ba, details details M,” Steve noted.
“I brought Myrrh,” Balthazar finally spoke up.
“I’ll get back to you and your hurtful remarks in a second, Melchi.” Steve warned. “But Um, Bro. B dawg, what the hell is Myrrh anyway?”
The other Wise Men actually laughed at Steve’s joke.
“It’s like you told us that so we could make fun of you. I brought myrhh guys. Gold sure. I can even get behind frankincense because I had to use some one time after a brief tryst, but details details. Myrrh is dumb.”
“It is the gift of my people. It’s an oil to burn.”
“It’s an oil to burn,” Steve mimicked, complete with interpretive dance.
“Seriously, we use it all the time,” Balthazar informed him.
“Bro, You’re saying a lot, but all I’m hearing is Hi, I’m Balthazar the friendly hippy.”
The more Steve spoke, the more the other Wise Men realized that they in fact did not like him.
“We are off task, we need to follow the star of the east, Sirius,” Melchior commanded. “Let’s get to moving.
“Who named this lame ass star,” Steve whispered. “Sirius-ly.”
The second night of the trip, was by far the longest night. According to lore, Steve was just downright unbearable.
“Why the hell are we following a star when there is Google Maps,” Steve asked as he whipped out the first tablet, which was invented by Moses. “I mean I traded two donkeys, six pieces of uncooked bacon, and a baby for this thing. I’m not even sure it was my baby. And then Moses right after I purchased mine you had to go and release Tablet II, which you billed as a much faster, smaller tablet. Thanks for that, dick.”
Steve wandered away from the group trying to get service. The other three pressed on.
“MOSES,” Steve yelled. “I need a connection. Don’t you fail me right now, bro. Answer me damnit. Moses, I hate you.”
“Maybe he will get lost,” Casper whispered to the others. “We could be so lucky.”
“One could hope he gets lost. He’d probably get lost from getting lost though. That dude is an idiot,” Melchior laughed.
“Nope. Can’t get service in the middle of the damn desert. Okay east star it is,” Steve yelled as he rode to catch up. “More bars in more places my ass.”
“Damnit, didn’t get lost,” Casper noted.
“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you guys are trying to lose me,” Steve noticed.
“Don’t be silly, Balthazar remarked. “We just are on a tight schedule.”
“So, what do we have to eat? I wonder if Chang’s will deliver us some mooshoo pork out here in the desert.” Steve continued.
Melchior tossed him some bread.
“Now eat it and shut up,” he warned. “You’ve talked more than a gaggle of women purchasing shoes at a midnight sale.”
“But…but…I really want an egg roll. I know you’ve had a Chang’s eggroll, Melchi. It’s like a spicy piece of heaven.”
“IT’S MELCHIOR you dull twit,” he yelled.
“By the way, just so we are clear, and correct me if I’m wrong but, A.D. totally stands for After Dinosaurs right?” Steve inquired.
On they rode deep into the desert, really never stopping for too long. On the third night, Steve couldn’t take the silence.
“Guys, as a sign of solidarity I feel we should sing a song together. I propose we sing a classic that will literally stand the test of time, Hanson’s Mmmbop,” Steve blurted. “It would really lift our spirits.”
Neither of them acknowledged Steve. They all ignored him and pressed deeper into the vast desert.
“You guys need to learn to relax. WWSDB. That’s what you should ask yourself,” Steve cautioned.
“And what exactly does that mean,” Caspar quizzed.
“What wouldn’t Steve do, Bro. You do the opposite of what you’re doing, and bam, you’re doing the Steve.”
A loud sigh collectively rang out from Melchior, Balthazar, and Caspar. With no one to talk to, Steve became bored out of his mind and decided that listening to Jesus’ future Walkman would help lift his battered spirits.
“Really thought this would be one of those sweet bonding trips that dudes take and crazy stuff happens along the way. But nope, just us riding camels and you all ignoring me,” Steve complained. “Kinda hoping for a ninja attack right about now so I can show off my sweet karate moves and win them over.”
Finally on Day 7, they decided to rest that night, but only because they were making plans without Steve. Caspar gathered food. Melchior and Balthazar set up tents. Steve gathered firewood. As Steve gathered firewood, the others conspired together.
“Look, he has to go. I know that there was supposed to be four of us, but really three sounds much better than four,” Caspar warned. “I vote he goes.”
Melchior agreed. “I vote he goes as well. He is so annoying. Plus, he hums when he pees. Only the worse types of people do that. Serial killers. Steve seems like a serial killing pee hummer.”
“More like cereal killer, am I right? That lazy slob.” Balthazar joined in as the others laughed. “Yeah he’s gotta go. Besides, We Three Kings is a much better song than we Three Kings plus an idiot named Steve.”
They all laughed as poor Steve gathered firewood alone in the desert, unbeknownst to their devilish plan. He was just trying to be the fun guy of the Wise Men. The others were too serious in his opinion.
“So I’m thinking that we leave early tomorrow guys,” Balthazar continued. “I mean let’s face it, that dummy is going to probably get high and sleep in anyway. He’s just holding us back.”
“First light, we are gone,” Melchior declared. “But, we totally have to draw on his face before we go. It’s customary for people being ditched to be drawn on. It’s like the dark mark of the idiot world. And because mirrors haven’t been invented yet, that dumb sack of crap will walk around like that for a while.”
At that moment Steve returned, firewood in hand.
“Damnit, I forgot my Zippo in my other robe,” he remembered. “Oh well, guess we will rub sticks together like our ancestors. But not rub our sticks together, if you know what I mean guys.”
Steve laughed at his own joke. The others glared.
“So while you were gone, we decided that we would all sleep in tomorrow. We know how you love to sleep,” Caspar proposed. “ You’ve been cool, so we can get a late start.”
“Oh that’s great,” Steve agreed as he stared up at the stars. “You guys seeing this? Man, the stars are pretty tonight. They are so vibrant and stuff. Can you believe that one-day people are going to be lame enough to name a star after someone? Like that’s so romantic. Here. I named a ball of gas after you, Karen. Tim, here is a pledge of my everlasting love for you instead of that PS4 you really wanted. Hope you like my gaseous gift. Shine bright like a diamond, but it’s exploded gas. Wish my gas would explode like that. That would be supernova gas.”
The others bit their tongue and listened to Steve ramble on about the stars for a bit before they eventually fell asleep on purpose, but not before Melchior set the alarm on his sundial. The next morning, just as the sunrise hit, the three of them watched as Steve lay there passed out. He had even managed to eat the Cheetos he had saved for the King of the Jews. They each took turns and drew on his face, and Melchior trimmed part of Steve’s beard.
“Good riddance,” Caspar seethed.
“We should throw him off the track so he goes the wrong way,” Balthazar noted. “Wouldn’t want him finding his way back to us.”
Melchior took a stick and drew an arrow in the sand next to him as he slept that read “East to the King of the Jews.” Really it was south. Melchior, Caspar, and Balthazar set out to finish their quest, eventually finding their destination and delivering their gifts of Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh. Steve on the other hand found himself wondering south and eventually founded the first Ms. Universe pageant with the winner receiving the Walkman plus Harry Potter tape books.
“History remembers the Three Wise Men much differently than it should be,” Steve relayed on his deathbed. “Melchior was a dick. Caspar was a pompous douchebag. Balthazar actually wasn’t bad. He had a bit of a breath problem and I only knew that because he had some serious boundary issues. They totally ditched me. I was the fourth Wise man and I just know that Jesus would’ve liked my Walkman. Can you imagine the headphones bouncing in those flowing locks of his? Amazing.”
Steve died doing what he loved, making people laugh and telling inappropriate jokes. He passed his Walkman design down to his son, Sony who went on to make billions of dollars on the first prototype as well as a fortune in 80’s sweat pants suits.