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September 16, 2011

Scarlett Johansson has had a rough time lately, with her tit and ass being exposed for the whole internet to see. I just wanted to take the time to give her some advice in how to over come this hard ship...and set the world on fire.

    Ah, Scarlett Johansson. What happened? You know damned well that you can't take a picture of your titties these days without half the world knowing about it. Hell, with hacker types probably knew about your pictures before you took them. They're psychic right? Yet, you still went for it. I applaud you. Mostly out of the fact that I finally, FINALLY got to see your boobs, even if it is only one of them. Alas, honey, don't worry. You're not the first and you most certainly won't be the last. There have been countless sexy boob scandals before you and tons of tits will come after. Which I am really, REALLY looking forward to. Ha...did you see that back there? Tits and come in the same sentence. I am fucking amazing! Oh, don't look at me with those, "You're an asshole" eyes. You laughed too. 



Or not. 


What did you think would happen? Everybody wants to see your ass naked. You're famous and hot! The supply and demand ratio is insane. When there's no nude Scarlett to be had, people either fake their own, which...they have or they start scheming ways to get some. Frankly, you didn't help matters by snapping off the nip shots yourself. You're just loading that internet, cell phone, tit shot cannon to fire. I mean, you have to know that there are hacker types trolling cell signals with their invisible, magic...naked pictures, cell phone, reactor core...scanners. Yeah, I don't know how they do it, I just know they do. Regardless, you're one tit and full on ass are out there and there's not a damn thing you can do about...except...maybe---

Give The World A Different Naked Ass To Stare At

Scarlett, an ass substitute...for your consideration...

    Look, your sweet can...of worms has been opened for the whole masturbating world to enjoy. Let me tell you, there's a lot of us. What's a girl to do? Well, first off...the whole cease and desist thing...ehh...it's over done and frankly, ineffective. Delivering a cease and desist letter to the internet is like, delivering a cease and desist letter to a Whack-A-Mole game that spouts obscenities every time a mole re-appears. It might get one site to pull the shit down, but, the game's already started...and your sweet ass pics are going to pop up everywhere. 

Cease and desist internet!
No more naked pictures of my ass internet!

    That being the case, Scarlett, you should get proactive. And no...not...that fucking zit cream that no celebrity actually uses. I mean, ACTUALLY proactive. If you give that internet another lamb to feast on...all may be forgotten. The easiest...least harmful way, career wise, it to get yourself a nice no body. A good ol' regular schmuck. Get that somabitch famous...super fast. Take him or her on a talk show, bring them to parties. Talk them up on Ellen or...that fuck head Perez Hilton. Spout off that this goofy bastard to your right (or left depending on the standing situation) is the next hottest thing in the film/recording/Paris Hilton friend circle. "This little fucker is awesome!", you say, "He's the only one I trust with knowing my deepest darkest secrets...like what I like to finger bang myself to on those long cold lonely nights naked in my bed, what kind of tampons I use and the shit I like to TiVo!" or whatever you feel to be appropriate (maybe not the TiVo. thing...that's kinda personal, plus, we don't give a shit.). Get the nobody, NOW famous guy to one of those bad ass after hours premiere parties, get him shit faced and toss him or her in bed with a hooker and maybe a couple of B or C list celebs the mix (lookin' at you Eric Roberts). Get somebody to crack off a few soft core porn shots with some dick and tits. POOF! Anybody remember those Scarlett Johansson skin shots? Nope, but, did you see Eric Roberts banging that hooker with what's his fuck? Why was he wearing the leather bondage mask? Yes, why indeed.

Save Someone From A Burning...Something

I think it might be a little late for them.

    In the world of super stardom, tragedy buys time. In your case, possibly time plus a little distance from your amateur nudie poses. Poses which you should be very, very proud of! Hey, the ass one even looks kind of artsy...in a grainy shitty kind of way. Though, I am not a noted art critic, nor hardcore connoisseur of art. I will say they are excellent for strokin' and we'll leave it at that. They exist and there's nothing, in the confines of this reality that can undo them...not even the precious FBI and their crack team of hacker trackers...

"The special agents need to review your pictures a liiiitle bit longer, Ms. Johansson."

    So, the best way to outdo your informal expose' is to go above and beyond the hype! I would suggest a cheap, straight to internet porno, but, since you're already flipping out about a couple of pics, so, I'm thinking a no go on the porno. Maybe you should...go the other route. Save a bunch of innocent people from something that's burning, preferably younger people of the sick persuasion. Nothing says heroic and vaunted sainthood like saving young someones or multiple young someones from something that's burning. Now, the important thing to remember, Scarlett, is that whatever it is, be it a bus, apartment building, hospital, methadone clinic, Toys R Us...whatever. It must be on fire...BIG fire. It's just not the same if whatever the people are encased in isn't consumed in roaring fire. The whole thing takes on a rubber necking awesome if there are flames involved. So, go, risk life and limb to save some kids from a flaming pre-school and you're golden. You'll be in line to be anointed, Scarlett Johansson, Saint of Flaming Children. Then, those much lauded pics will be all but forgotten. Nobody wants to tarnish the good image of someone whose done something, like save a gaggle of kids from certain crispy death. Really, name one person who wants to see naked pictures of Mother Teresa? She didn't even save anyone from a burning ANYTHING.

Pfff...those kids aren't on fire. Saved my ass. 

Start A World War

    This depends solely on your desire to squelch the noise of this (awesome) awful picture posting fiasco. It is going to take some commitment on your part and you'll have to use all the acting mojo you have at your disposal. Plus, it will take a rather loose stance on things like...morals and whether you want to spend eternity in hell or not. Hey, I've heard mixed reviews about the place. It's either the rockinest party this side of...eternity, because of all the coolest celebs and rock stars that have ever biting the big one being relegated to it's realm...or a horrific place filled with torture, anguish and appropriately named hell fire. So, I'm not really sure if you have the "intestinal fortitude" go get down with this scheme...

I stand corrected, Scarlett "Hard Ass Militant" Johansson

    So, if you favor the former, have I got an idea for you! You can use that star power you have going to really, REALLY make the world forget about anything your bare ass has been exposed to. The secret is to cozy up to a world leader or two, which, shouldn't be hard, as all the really unstable ones...also happen to be HUGE movie buffs...well, namely...one.

Comin' At-cha!

    The plan is this. Cozy up to Kimmy up there and throw some of that Scarlettness at him. You don't have to hump the guy, because...frankly, he'd probably implode. Anyway, just drop some hints that the West thinks he is suffering from a ball sack deficiency and...wait. By the end of the week, we'll be so ball deep in a nuclear holocaust your pictures will be the last thing on a populace hell bent on survival's mind. That's right! Scarlett - 1, Internet - 0. Who's laughing now celebrity web porn distributors?! Problem. Solved.


    Of course...you can just deny they are yours, which is always a possibility. I think you might have blown that option with the cease and desist malarkey. Ah, well, the choice is yours Scarlett. Though, another suggestion if I might and really, it's a courtesy if anything. Feel free to sit on my face while you think about it.

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