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December 05, 2012

This article has been a long time coming, and I finally got the motivation/right words to make it happen.

Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe" is arguably one of the most popular—and also one of the most made fun of—songs of 2012.  9 months after it's YouTube release, and over 350 million views later, the lyrics are still resonating with me.  And you know what?  I think that the lyrics in that song are wrong.  They're just plain incorrect.

Here's why:

(NOTE: You should watch the video before or after reading this.  You can find it here)

"I threw a wish in the well, Don't ask me, I'll never tell. I looked to you as it fell, And now you're in my way."
Alright, alright, that seems like a fair opening for a cutesy, romantic song, right? NOPE! I mean, let's take it line by line. First, GREAT job negating your first line with your second: great way to draw in an audience--intrigue us and then take it all away. Perfect. Next it just sounds like you're blaming him for something that YOU did. "I looked to you as it fell," awesome, nobody cares because nobody knows what the wish was. "And now you're in my way?" I'm sorry but that just doesn't make sense--from the looks of the video, you two aren't even close to one another in proximity.  Seems like the window is more in your way than he is.  I still don't know where you're trying to go, though. Maybe you shouldn't have imagined yourself throwing something intangible into a nonexistent well. Also, maybe you shouldn't have chosen such a pornographic scenario for your music video. A crush on your gardener? Come on! 
"I'd trade my soul for a wish, Pennies and dimes for a kiss I wasn't looking for this, But now you're in my way."
Hold on, let me get The Devil on the line for you...Oh, Mr. Satan? There's a young naive Canadian here who's saying that she'd like a wish in exchange for her immortal essence....Yeah, uh-huh, also just pennies and dimes for a kiss....Yeah, she kind of does sound like a really cheap prostitute.
"I wasn't looking for this?" Come on, you were willing to trade PENNIES AND DIMES for a kiss. You were TOTALLY looking for this. WHOM, may I ask, are you trying fool madam? Also, "But now you're in my way," again?! Real original. 
"Your stare was holdin', Ripped jeans, skin was showin' Hot night, wind was blowin' Where you think you're going, baby?"
Oh thank GOD for these lyrics AND for the video. Seriously, without them/it, we might have thought that this guy was just some creep who couldn't stop staring, who was a fat slob with his belly hanging out of his shirt. Or that he was some really muscular guy with a really rapey stare and a bunch of disgusting, cliched phrases tattooed to his che--. Ah, right. Well, so much for the video.
"Hey, I just met you, And this is crazy, But here's my number, So call me, maybe? It's hard to look right, At you baby, But here's my number, So call me, maybe? Hey, I just met you, And this is crazy, But here's my number, So call me, maybe? And all the other boys, Try to chase me, But here's my number, So call me, maybe?"
That's it? That's this big catchy chorus that everyone's buzzing about? All I hear is somebody being intentionally awkward and doing something that could potentially get her murdered. "Hey, person I just met and whom I haven't said any other words to. I don't feel like talking to you right now because I'm shy, so why don't you call me sometime? I mean, only if you want to of course. Maybe? Please? DO IT!! Ahh I can't make up my mind..."  She sounds like a reckless, 14-year-old female Woody Allen—without the, you know, talent. "Oh, and just for good measure, I'm going to casually and passive-aggressively throw in the fact that all the other boys in my probably high school (right?) love me. So, you know, call me if you WANT TO." 
"You took your time with the call, I took no time with the fall. You gave me nothing at all, But still, you're in my way. I beg, and borrow and steal. Have foresight and it's real. I didn't know I would feel it, But it's in my way."
Here, we have Carly Rae doing her very best impression of a Jewish grandmother, "Oh, you took your time with the call! No, no it's fine, I was just sitting here, getting closer to death until the phone rang, don't worry about it!"
"I took no time with the fall." Ha! Clumsy bitch.  Yeah, I know, not the most intelligent analyzation of that lyric—it's fine, these aren't the most intelligent lyrics.  "You gave me nothing at all, but still, you're in my way."  You know, you're expecting an awful lot from a guy you just hastily and inexplicably gave your phone number to while winking at him to call you, but only if he felt like it. "I beg and borrow and steal." Well don't do those things, especially when they don't make any sense, just to rhyme with the next two lines, and MAYBE you'll have better luck with men! "Have foresight and it's real. I didn't know I would feel it." Oh, so you don't really have foresight, do you? What is it with you and negating all of your lyrics?? "But it's in my way." Hmm, you know what would make a great line? "But it's in my way." Oh, but we should be sure to use it over and over again but never really imply what's exactly in her way. Yeah, that'll be a real hit!
"Your stare was holdin', Ripped jeans, skin was showin' Hot night, wind was blowin' Where you think you're going, baby?"--
Oh no, not this nonsense again. Skip to 2:00 in.  Yup, this is the moment you've all been waiting for.
"Before you came into my life I missed you so bad I missed you so bad I missed you so, so bad"
You know what? I'm pretty sure we all know that this is probably the most atrocious combination of words in recent history. I'm pretty sure everybody is aware that none of that made any sense and so I'm not even going to dignify it by making fun of it.
"Before you came into my life--"
AGAIN?! NO! That's AWFUL! STOP IT! Alright, you know what? I've had enough. We get it. This is a ridiculous song about a ridiculous person in a completely irrational situation.
You know, before I decided to write this, I thought to myself, "do I really want to berate this teenage girl on the internet? Doesn't that make me just another trolling asshole?" Then I did some research and found out one really interesting piece of information
This shit's just too good, people.  I'm glad crap like "Call Me Maybe" can circulate so rapidly over the internet and I'm glad a dickhead like me can wait 9 months to publish an article about it.
Anyway, call me?  Maybe?  Ahh do what you want.