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March 14, 2016
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Maggie and Carol aren't their hostages. These people are trapped with Maggie and Carol. 9 of the most ridiculous things from s06e13 of 'The Walking Dead' The Same Boat

1) Can We Please Cut It Out With These Gimmicky Camera Shots?

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Can we please cut it out with these gimmicky camera shots? Pretty please? It’s cool that we got to see last week’s final scene from another perspective, but they could’ve just shown us this group of people and we’d be able to connect the dots. We don’t literally need to see things from their perspective.

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“We’re looking for new ideas to make this show worth watching.”

And while I can’t knock the classic binocular shot too hard since it’s a timeless staple of screens both big and small, the “jacket partially obscuring the camera while we look at feet” shot is maybe the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.

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This is a real thing they decided was a good idea to broadcast on television.

This adds nothing to anything. Who asked for this? This looks like one of my alcoholic friends decided to break out Snapchat on a camping trip. As some of you may know, I went to college for 4.5 years to earn a useless media studies degree. I fully get wanting to try new and interesting things, but stuff like this just reminds me of students who forgot to do their video production homework and turned in something with a lazy gimmick and tried to defend it as art. I was one of those students, one time I forgot to rent gear and turned in a video shot on my laptop camera because grainy home production is the future of entertainment. I got a B-.

2) Buzzing Maggie’s Tower

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Not sure this crazy lady who hasn’t washed her hair in six years needed to shove her blade that close to Maggie’s grill. I understand making a point and sending a knifey message but there’s no way she knew the knife would stop an inch away from Maggie’s face. Any kind of miscalculation here would’ve seriously hurt her negotiation options. Rick Grimes isn’t going to pay full price for damaged goods, especially when the damage is a piece of steel lodged firmly into a skull.

3) Saw 9: Look Who’s Sawing Now

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I love the Saw movies (much in the same way I enjoy eating watermelon Sour Patch Kids for dinner sometimes — I’m 28 years old) and I’m so glad AMC acquired the rights to make one more. This is definitely my new favorite Saw movie, it’s so bold and also dynamic. Is anyone else SUBSTANTIALLY more concerned for the well being of the three hostage takers than Carol and Maggie? Maggie is killing for two these days! They’re not really even the hostages; these three ladies are trapped in there with Maggie and Carol.

4) Carol’s Doing That Thing Again

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Carol’s doing that thing again where she pretends to be frail and weak when you know deep down she’s about as friendly as Detroit in January. But maybe she kind of is frail again? She’s murder journaling and having some dark private moments. Holy shit, Carol when she’s acting on the show as Carol the character acting is better than any of the other actual actors acting as characters on the show. That’s so meta and also I don’t know if it even makes sense, I’m on day three of SXSW right now and operating on very little sleep, too much alcohol, and Whataburger fumes. I started drinking again 10 minutes ago just to keep the train on the tracks. Don’t expect miracles from this recap.

5) Please Clean Your Lens

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Please clean your lens. That’s a screen grab of the show last night and I can’t see shit. The blood on the screen thing. I thought we talked about this last (half) season! They also did it an episode or two ago (I forget which one, I don’t even know what day it is right now) but I didn’t bring it up here because these recaps have already gotten way too long and drawn out on account of THERE IS JUST SO GOSH DARN MUCH TO TALK ABOUT THESE ZOMBIE DAYS! But they did it again last night and it’s lame. It makes me feel like I’m playing a video game, and not even a particularly good one. It makes me feel like I’m playing a game that would make me consider quitting video games forever and also lighting my TV on fire.

6) Worst Interrogators In The History Of People Asking Other People Questions

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Usually when you want to get information out of a prisoner you let them do the talking, but not this dream team! These gals are not the best at interrogation. They’re just nannering on about carrots and coffee and crying about a blown up ex-boyfriend. Ugh, girl, can you please try going five minutes without bringing up your boyfriend who got exploded by a rocket launcher? Just get over it already and move on! Only one of you needs to be in pieces about this thing.

7) Smoking Kills (Again)

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Carol cautioning you about the dangers of smoking is a kiss of death on this show. If you or a loved one is trying to quit smoking, just have Carol tell you it’s bad for you and you’ll be done smoking in no time because you’ll be dead. As soon as Carol got that cigarette, all I could do was think about how she’s going to use it to kill somebody. That’s what she does! It’s kind of her thing. Chekov’s Cigarette, you guys. And while we’re on the broad topic of smoking, sorry you didn’t get an official spot on this list blood napkin lady but GOOD LORD BLOOD NAPKIN LADY that was so gross. You just carry around that blood napkin? GROSS, DUDE. Like CAN YOU NOT, MISS? BLEGHHHHHHH.

8) The Perfect Trap

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Let’s just ignore the fact that a voice came out of the walkie talkie that you’ve never heard before. Let’s gloss over the detail that this new voice just called for a meeting on the kill floor, a place that sounds decidedly less like a place to chat and much more like a place to get fully killed. All that minutiae aside, wouldn’t you notice that the floor is soaking wet and also smells like gasoline? Guys, we got the gasoline ready for the car just like we talked about! This floor is the car, right? Always get those two confused! Hey, remember when Breaking Bad did this same thing in season five on the same exact channel at the same time and day?

Breaking Bad was a really good show! They should do stuff from Breaking Bad more often. Oh by the way since I seem to need to bring this up every five minutes based on your Facebook comments (I read all of them always), I LIKE THE WALKING DEAD! I AM A BIG FAN OF THIS SHOW, IT IS WHY I TAKE THE TIME TO WRITE THESE POSTS EVERY WEEK, BELIEVE IT OR NOT WRITING THESE POSTS ISN’T EVEN A PART OF MY JOB AT FUNNY OR DIE IT’S JUST A THING I LIKE TO DO! YOU CAN LIKE A THING AND ALSO GOOF ON IT! AND I ONLY BRING UP OTHER SHOWS AND COMPARE THEM TO THIS ONE AS A POINTLESS EXERCISE POSING AS POIGNANT CRITICISM AND IT IS A BIT THAT IS A LARGER CRITICISM OF TV CRITICISM AS A WHOLE WHICH I FIND TO BE LARGELY UNNECESSARY! Also thanks to the many comments who get the joke and comment nice things, I read those too! I haven’t read a full book in at least six years. Oh yeah, one more thing, the fact that the room was called “kill floor” and the floor killed them, it was a bit much for me. A bit much garbage.

9) Everybody Is Negan

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Everyone is Negan, you guys. He’s Negan, she’s Negan, a lot of people experiment with being Negan in college — it’s a time for discovering yourself and really no big deal. What does it all mean?!? I have no idea. I don’t totally care. Sorry if this recap wasn’t one of the better ones, I’m so hungover right now and I almost bailed on writing this entirely BUT I REFUSE TO LET YOU DOWN because I am not a staff writer for The Walking Dead! JOIN US NEXT WEEK! Will we find out Negan is in fact a dog with a very successful Instagram following that he’s leveraging for a steady stream of income through various product endorsements? My friend’s dog who claims to read the comics seems to be hinting this is a possibility! Will Rick manage to go five minutes without shooting someone in the face? Not looking very likely. Will I have Whataburger at least two more times before I leave Texas on Friday? THAT’S A GUARANTEED THING THAT WILL HAPPEN, I LOVE WHATABURGER BUT THEIR MILKSHAKE MACHINE IS ALWAYS BROKEN AND I ALMOST CRIED LAST NIGHT WHEN THEY TOLD ME THE MILKSHAKE MACHINE WAS BROKEN EVEN THOUGH I SHOULD’VE BEEN EMOTIONALLY PREPARED FOR THAT REALITY. None of this and more on s06e14 of The Walking Dead!

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