Celebrities See All

Close

Quick Links

or
0 Funny Votes
0 Die Votes
53 Views
Published July 16, 2008

I've been getting some bad juju this week.

On Sunday, I went to a concert (Dope and Kittie, heavy fuckin' metal) where halfway through a band's set (don't remember whose), I was a recipient of a pitcher of beer, that was thrown and almost hit me in the face. However the pitcher was deflected off my hat and hit me square in the chest. Judging by the force I felt on my chest, that would've knocked a couple of teeth loose.

Yesterday, I stood out of my chair, and somehow, my feet got tangled and I fell over, hitting my head and shoulder on the wall behind me. Strangely enough, the most pain I have from that is on my left thigh, from my weight either landing on the chair's leg or my foot.

This had me thinking, if worst comes to worst, my luck will run out by the end of the week, and I will die a stupid, stupid death.

So here are some wishes should the worst happen.

First off, make sure I'm dead. This should be real easy. If there's any doubt have someone yell in my ear "THE 49ERS WON THE SUPER BOWL!! CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE IT!!" or "SCARLETT JOHANNSON IS NAKED AND WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU! WAKE UP!" If  either of those don't work, then I'm dead.

Second, this is why I want to be absolutely sure I'm dead, I want someone to chop off my penis and stuff it down George Bush's throat, while a group of Japanese teenage schoolgirls circle around him and yell out "Look at the cock gobbler!". I will rest in peace knowing that he gobbled my cock.

Third, I want Jean-Claude Van Damme to give my eulogy, but in the middle of it, I want ninjas armed with machine guns to break in and Van Damme fight and kill them all. If he's not available, either Wesley Snipes or Milla Jovovich will be a  fine substitute.

Finally, I want my dead body to be chopped up and shoved into a wood-chipper (a la Steve Buscemi in Fargo) and sprayed out over the audience, only to have Cris Angel pop out from the chipper. Meanwhile, my body has been cremated and used as ink in a Captain America comic.

Oh, and I want all my stuff to be a grand prize in a steel cage deathmatch for all my FoD friends. Good luck you guys. Someone will win my framed Aqua Teen Hunger Force poster.

 

I know, it's not much, but this is how I'd want to leave a lasting memory for all y'all. You'll thank me when it's done.

Advertisement
Advertisement

From Around the Web

More