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June 05, 2015
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Taco Bell is adding alcoholic drinks to their menu this summer, which means you won't have to sneak in your own!

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¡Yo Quiero Taco Bell! You guys remember that? ‘Member that old sloganeydid…sorry I’m drunk.

Stop what you’re doing right now, unless what you are doing right now is heading toward the new Taco Bell restaurant that is going to be serving alcoholic beverages starting this summer. If that’s the case, good work, keep it up. Keep up what you’re doing.

The Taco Bell, located in the Wicker Park neighborhood of Chicago, is adding beer, wine, and frozen mixed drinks to its menu. Taco Bell and alcohol. Together at last.

In fact, the entire feel of the new location is going to be that of a hip hangout spot. There will be exposed brick and local art covering the walls. The idea is for the fast food restaurant to shed its image of being exactly that: a fast food restaurant.

I think this is a fun new direction for the Mexican inspired fast food joint and could actually work to bring a younger, hipper crowd in. I do have one question,though: don’t you have to be drunk to go to Taco Bell?

I don’t mean for this to imply that I’m not excited for Taco Bell. I love me some T-Bell when the time is right. It’s just that from my personal experience, the right time has 100% always overlapped with drunky time. It’s just that up until I learned that this would be the first American location to serve alcohol, I had no idea Taco Bell was an establishment you were even allowed to enter if you weren’t already shithouse drunk. Seriously. Every person in the Taco Bells I’ve ever been in, save the employees, were some level of blacked out. In fact,I’ve never been in a Taco Bell without an open container of alcohol whose owner has only made the most cursory of attempts to hide.

Looking back, I just cannot believe they weren’t already serving alcohol. I mean,without a doubt I have stood on the tables at a local Taco Bell and made every single person entering the place take a shot of vodka and declare me “La Reina de Tacos” with literally zero repercussion. Where did I get that handle of vodka? Did Taco Bell not provide it? Looking back I guess not, but it really seemed like it was just next to the soda fountain machine or something at the time.

Another time I entered a Taco Bell and before I could even end my life by ordering a Crunchwrap Supreme the place was taken over by freshman frat bros who, I’m pretty sure, were hosting their winter formal there. They had margarita mix and everything.

Every time something like this happened the sixteen-year-old employees behind the registers just shrugged and went back to texting. I’m sure they’ll make great bartenders when they have to start serving alcohol.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad Taco Bell is monetizing on the activities already happening on their premises. It’s going to be a great way to regulate the insane amount of drinking currently unofficially required to enjoy the food served there. Actually, the announcement that they will be serving alcohol follows the chain’s plan to remove all artificial flavors and colors from its food by the end of the year. This makes complete sense and is honestly quite fiscally responsible. They’ve clearly projected the amount of money they are going to lose when their food isn’t coated in Doritos dust and people realize what they are eating, and plan placate customers by loading them up with booze.

This is an exciting time for people who think outside the bun and enjoy getting incredibly fucked up on Taco Bell’s food and now, their surely shitty alcoholic drinks! Live más! Drink más!

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