NIKE, Inc. (NYSE: NKE) would like to issue a formal apology for the poorly designed Premier Slam Dress, which led to a lot of blowback this week after its official debut at Wimbledon.

We thought if we dressed up female athletes in a short, pleated baby doll dress spun out of sheer white gossamer they’d feel like adorable little girls out on daddy’s tennis court, and now we realize that was wrong.

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We thought our athletes would like that the Wimbledon Premier Slam Dress looked more like a nightie from the cover of a romance novel than a piece of performance athletic wear, but evidently we were wrong. Our bad.

It’s just that a lot of female athletes have big strong muscles, and while that helps them be good at sports, it sometimes is a little jarring to watch, especially if you’re a big strong man. So we thought a flimsy negligee would kinda balance it out and make them look like little sweet angels.

Also, we wanted the dress to keep flying it up above their waist so they’d have to keep pulling it down. This serves the purpose of being a) so cute and b) making them worse at tennis. Both functions make them appear way more fuckable for the people watching at home.

We’re the world leader in athletic performance wear, and we pride ourselves on that. We went through a vigorous design and vetting process in designing Premier Slam Dress. We put it on some of our best models, and then made them spank each other with tennis rackets covered in mud while a bunch of brothers from Phi Kappa Alpha rated the utility of the garment.

The numbers were through the roof.

In retrospect, we should have realized that function trumps style, even if it means our athletes look like the strong, capable adult women they are and not like our fucked-up fantasy of prancing, submissive tennis princesses.

Any Wimbledon competitor that would like to trade in their Premier Slam Dress for normal sportswear is encouraged to visit their Nike representative on site. We look forward to remedying these mistakes in future tournaments.

It’s funny, cuz we never seem to make these mistakes with the boys. Hm. That’s weird. Huh.

About Nike, Inc.:
NIKE, Inc., based near Beaverton, Oregon, is the world’s leading designer, marketer and distributor of authentic athletic footwear, apparel, equipment and accessories for a wide variety of sports and fitness activities–even for sweet little cherubs that want to play sports like their big brother.