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October 19, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Newsweek announced it will be going completely digital. That way, only people with iPads will be offended by their covers.

A judge ruled that cheerleaders at a Texas high school can continue using banners with quotes from the Bible. Particularly the popular saying, "This is, like, the day the lord has made. Let us, like, rejoice and be glad?"

A federal appeals court rejected the section of the Defense of Marriage Act that defines marriage as between a man and a woman. Which explains why married men and women everywhere inexplicably felt nauseous.

Actor Rowan Atkinson is campaigning to change Britain's Public Order Act, which bans “insulting words and behavior.” Up to this point he's been relatively silent.

Mitt Romney's son Tagg said he wanted to "take a swing at" President Obama for calling his dad a liar. Same goes for you, every person who records what Mitt Romney says and does.

The growth of China's economy has slowed down for the seventh consecutive quarter. Fifty-six more quarters like that and they'll almost be as poor as America.

Twitter users in Germany will no longer be able to see tweets from a neo-Nazi group. Said Germans, "But now how will we find out what the Black Eyed Peas are up to?"

Bruce Springsteen formally endorsed Barack Obama for president. Said Springsteen, "Eughhh mm eughh yem."

A used car salesman has pleaded guilty to working with Iranians to try and kill a Saudi diplomat. Turns out, not that good of an assassin or a salesman.

Syrian rebels have reportedly acquired anti-aircraft missiles. "Tuuuurkeeey," said the UN, grinning and shaking its head.

Uma Thurman and her husband named their new baby daughter Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson. Or Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Flo for short.