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January 17, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Discussing gun control on Wednesday, President Obama said, “The only way we can change is if the American people demand it.” Accordingly, Congress is expected to unveil new legislation to curb the prevalence of there not being enough Cheesecake Factorys.

Obama also commented, “While reducing gun violence is a complicated challenge, protecting our children from harm shouldn’t be a divisive one.” He then added, "But hey, neither should defaulting on our loans, letting airport security pat down our children, locking people up forever without trial, killing people without a trial, and telling a woman what to do with her body, am I right?"

On Tuesday, the NRA released a video suggesting President Obama is a “hypocrite" because his children are protected by the Secret Service. In the video, the NRA also suggested videogames are to blame for some violence and that their new shooting gallery videogame is now on sale for most smartphones.

Actor Conrad Bain died this week at age 89. Bain most known for the sitcom "Diff'rent Strokes," though you might also remember him from the time he broke the Batman.

JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon is having his yearly salary cut in half. With a sigh he commented, "Guess I'll have to wait until next year to afford to rename them the 'Arizona Dimonbacks.'"

New York City school bus drivers have gone on strike over not having job security. Because nothing says "don't ever fire me" like "I refuse to work."

A new report says seven of the 10 cities with the worst air pollution in the world are in China. The remaining three are located in Fartsylvania, Asstralia, and Butt Canada.

Regarding his Florida's voter ID law, Gov. Rick Scott said, “The Legislature passed it. I didn’t have anything to do with passing it.” An excuse that people would vote him out of office for if only they could.

NBC is working with Jessica Simpson to create a sitcom based on her life. Despite not even having a pilot, critics have already said it feels like it's overstayed its welcome.

Rep. Zoe Lofgren introduced a piece of legislation in honor of Internet activist Aaron Schwartz. Perfect for the Justice Department since they need a new person to harass to death.