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October 02, 2014
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In honor of National Coffee Day, Funny Or Die sends one of their interns over to Central Perk

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FUNNY OR DIE NEW YORK OFFICES - 3:00pm
“Dick jokes make me sleepy. I need some coffee.”

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“Starbucks? Dunkin? Third option?”

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“Wait, there’s a NEW coffee shop that just opened up - CENTRAL PERK! Let’s send a stupid intern!”

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“I’d be happy to! Let me find out what everyone wants!”

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“What the fuck are you doing at my desk, shitdick? I told you never to—oh, wait, yes I want coffee.”

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“Lemme get a 12pk of Lime-a-Ritas and, if they don’t have that, a soy chai.”

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“Wow. This line’s actually pretty long. Wonder how far it stretches.”

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“Oh shiiiiit. Central Perk must be a popular New Yorker place for coffee on the go…”

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“I wonder what’s taking that needledick, Michael, so long.”

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“I think his name’s Danny?”

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“Who fucking cares what his name is?”

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A full two hours later
“This is actually really bad.”

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“Masturbating into a urinal is fun but, without coffee, it’s just gonna make us more sleepy.”

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“I think I’m finally almost there!”

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“Fuck. Nope, I’m not. I hope they still have the almond milk Matt wanted.”

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“They better still have the fucking almond milk I wanted.”

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A full four hours later
“WAIT A MINUTE THIS IS FROM THE SHOW SEINFEL–I MEAN F·R·I·E·N·D·S!”

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“Oh my God it’s Gunther!!!”

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“If Ryan doesn’t have a good explanation for what’s taking so long, I’m gonna murder his whole fucking family. I’ve murdered before and would definitely do it again.”

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“I think his name’s Danny?”

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“Who fucking cares what his name is?”

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“I don’t recall the episode where they had signed copies of the show they were filming on the wall…”

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“More like ‘The One Where They Sold Out’ LOL I’m gonna have to remember that one for the guys in the office! THE OFFICE! Now THAT was a show!”

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A full five hours later
“Um, I have AA at six and their coffee is fucking gross.”

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“Someday I’d like to have F·r·i·e·n·d·s of my own!”

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“Oh shit! I’m supposed to be getting coffee! I feel like I’m gonna be in a lot of trouble when I get back.”

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“To be honest, I’m not ‘brewing’ very well at all. I think I’m gonna be in trouble for taking so long.”

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“Oh ok thanks for this but can I actually get two large vanilla soy lattes, a medium almond milk–”

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“I am so fucked when they find out this place is one per customer.”

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“Um, excuse me, ma'am, is there someone else I can talk to? Is Rachel Green working today?

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A full eight hours later
“The good news is, it was FREE. The bad news is, it’s one per customer.”

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“WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN, BILL?!”

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“It’s Danny…”

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“WHO FUCKING CARES WHAT YOUR NAME IS?!”

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“WORK IS OVER, TED!”
“MY EYES! I NEED THEM!”

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“Now get the FUCK out of here! Don’t you ever fucking come back.”

“When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year…”

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“Thanks for coming in. Tell me why you’re interested in interning at Funny Or Die.”

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