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June 13, 2011

Strangely, my landlord continued to charge me rent after I was sacked from the 999 call centre. This inconvenient truth meant me having to find another job. I did so at a small shop specialising in signed and rare memorabilia. This ended in much the same way as all my other jobs.

I'm in a room with Marlon Brando and George Michael. Marlon is in a gold frame doing his 'can not allow this' thing and costs £300 whilst George Michael is violently grinding away against a pole in a non-regulation policeman's outfit. He's only £120.
             Behind the till there are the 'ultra-rare' and ludicrously overpriced signed things; a bandana signed by Hendrix, Jesus' foreskin and most importantly a cheque signed by Adolf Hitler. A man (who's name I never found out so for this story we'll call him Mr Cockdome) had been browsing throughout the store and upon coming to the till to purchase a signed Whitney Houston crack pipe, he saw the cheque. His jaw dropped like a cartoon character being raped.
'What is that?'
                I could see he wasn't happy as his neck fat had stiffened. 'That my good man, is a cheque signed by Adolf Hitler. One of the leads in the Second World War.' 
             'And why the fuck are you selling it?'
             'Well sir, some may find it a piece of historical interest. I'd just like to add that I work here and I dont even get commission so I wouldnt be making any money from selling it anyway.'
              'That's disgusting mate. You're making money out of Hitler. Basically you're supporting the Nazis.'
              'I'll have to disagree with you a bit there sir. Besides, I'm not sure the Nazi party would benefit a huge amount from my support anyway.'
              'Unbelievable. You're profiting from the murder and suffering of millions of people.'
               I was a tad confused. I'd gone from working in a small shop for minimum wage to a Nazi sympathising maniac without even realising in the space of 5 minutes. Further more, Mr Cockdome seemed to think that I would somehow benefit from the apparent boom in Hitler merchandise as if I was in fact spawn of Adolf himself. He continued...
            'Look, you're selling the signature, so you're supporting the man who signed it.'
            'Does it? Oh my God. I had no idea. Fuck, look over there a signed Mad Max - Mel Gibson poster. Shit, look, Dustin Hoffman and there's Neil Armstrong and Princess Diana. So I must be a Nazi, holocaust denying, Jewish, Astronaut, Princess? I am one conflicted guy. Oh, and look there's Tiger Woods and Hugh Hefner. So I've probably nailed your wife and took pictures of her afterwards. Prick.'
              I was dismissed later that day for, in my managers words, 'invoking a hostile atmosphere within the workplace.' Wankers.